negativiity

One of my worst failings; is hoping for the best and planning for the worst.
In this case, I've got now (*three*) gigs this year that refused to pay me; and that either speaks to my reputation or to the fact that I haven't staked anyone out in the Nevada desert recently...

I've got two roomates (out of three) who cannot seem to get it together financially; like --- you know the rent is due on the first, not the 29 th)...  and one who so far has paid pretty much on time, and cleans up after herself.

And I have a gig with a computer store in Reseda/Northridge where the owner is doing the Whimpy-hamburger thing ... you know 'I'll gladly pay you Thursday for a Hamburger today"...

But I need cash dammit.  Between mortage, HELOC (thanks a lot Karyn for suggesting it), and credit card rates  on emergency expenses (Diane McK and Alivia A. Hu...)  I've got an additional three grand in high interest.

And no quick solutions.


yay.

OR as my good friend Kelly would say...

That's Great...

-

life.

and wait... there's more...

So... another month of non-payday's go by; and I land another fly-by-night gig.

 "Certainly the game is rigged, but if you don't bet, you can't win" -- Robert A. Heinlein

"And all cats are NOT grey after midnight.  Endless variety" -- Robert again.

It would be good to get paid.  Just to mark a diference from
1. Hitachi Consulting - aka - Robert "Bobby" B******  -- scofflaw
2. LWA  -- but that ship has sailed.
3. Mts --- aka myS*****M*****

but I digress...

Next time, I hold the towel out of reach.

God must be having a really good day...

I wouldn' t believe it.

Except it fits right in with the rest of the insanity.

My brand-new-job; which I was supposed to start tonight...

is no more. Never mind the offer letter, the calendar'd start date or the negotiations about health care benefits.

ROK Group (UK) has just had their door shut by the banks. Yay.

My gig, depended upon them (the client).

Came and went, never even saw a hour of paycheck. And three weeks wasted.

Again.

Yay.

And the wind, she changes...

And after a long spell, the world starts to right itself.

Or at least, my personal version of it does...

All the cats are motoring around (still), including Miss Pippi, who gets thinner but purrs and eats... and for now, is stable. Although, she's still hell on my shirts (both cat fur and her insistance on climbing me to perch on my shoulder)...

I have two new roommates; and I like them. The other guy in the basement is a little grumpy, but he means well and isn't a PROBLEM. *unlike she who is GONE*

And... I got an offer lettre. I start shortly; we will see how I do... (it's graveyard shift, but wth).

Now, I just have to stave off the creditors until the next check comes in.

Perhaps...

life and why you don't date crazy women

so, about June 30th, I was dating this absolutely crazy woman. Well, it started out like that anyway. She was loosing her apartment because she did not have a job, had run out of money and notified her landlord that she was moving out; because she was doing the "right thing" and telling her landlord. She even tried to renegotiate her roommates stay, so that they could find a new roommate and continue in the apartment without her. That ... to her credit.

So, I (like a stupid mark) offered that she could stay with me while she found her feet; and meantime help me rent rooms, which was my immediate goal. It's the economy, and I'm not making enough with all my consulting gigs (smalltime at best) to cover all bills. So, renters are needed... or I lose my condo.

So, she moves in. We fix up two rooms, barter one to a guy who's diligent but broken, and studying to be homeless; and a college kid who's a slob but has a good heart. He's just young; and hasn't figured out that he has to clean up after himself. Yet.

So, she tells me (a month later) that we had negotiated for 2 months rent for her "services", and I disagree; but being a bit of a chicken, just accept it.

A month later; we have the same conversation, but it's now punctuated with her accusations that I'm cheating on her !!! (which I wasn't), and that she didn't have to pay me because her services were worth more than the rent.

What part of I have to pay the bills, did she not understand? I went up to talk to her, she told me that by touching her; I tried to get her to sit down and stop yelling.... she "had me". I found out about that later.
So, she continues on moving stuff in the garage, tells me to move my car or she'll damage it... and I inadvertently (yup --- stupid move) lock her out of the condo.

So, she calls the police; and I get arrested.

more about that later. (this is a rant)

So, I make bail and my friends pay her $400 to move the hell out. And she does.

I have to go to TRIAL, and get aquitted (because the star witness didn't show up); so points to her for ignoring the jury summons. But, I'm out $2000 plus fees (about $2200) plus $400 plus rent for two months, plus loss of work and loss of a contract that I could have gotten paid for -- if I had completed it instead of being in jail...

and you know what I learned, gentle reader? That even if all evidence is against them, the LA prosecutor's office will continue until they cannot continue, cannot produce the witness, cannot make a case; and all the while trying to get me to accept a plea deal that is just short of child molestation...

Because I objected... to a freeloader.

It's too bad I cannot get any retribution. But, I am donating her stuff to Goodwill; maybe the karma won't follow the goods. Maybe...

life continues interesting...

There's a scene in Tolkien's Lord of the Rings, that I think I remember from there... where the hobbits are all sitting around discussing "adventures" and remarking how lovely they are, and the one who actually has had experience states that it remarkedly resembles being scared, too hungry, too tired, and too cold.

I'm not particularly a religious man (in fact kinda the opposite). And soon enough, I'll know. As I ran out of money to pay all bills; I landed 2 new contracts, bringing the total to 4.

Because I cannot time-manage worth a damm, and because there just isn't enough me to go around; I just lost one. (an Installshield gig). Drat. However, silver lining is that I have slightly more time to concentrate on the remaining work.

So, I'm working 9-7 or so and am being force-fed information thru a methaphorical fire-hose. We will see if I can keep up; it's pretty intense. And... some of the principals here are Israelis, including the founder of the company one of the designer/implementors. (It's yet another start-up).
(So think T. with a beard and LOTS and LOTS of yelling.) However, I'm learning, and am getting paid intern wages (1/3 usual). So, ... life's interesting.

Bills are still larger, but it's a start. Now I just have to avoid any other unnecessary expenses.

Work is good to have. Any work.

CL revisited

When I get bored, or just want some cocktail party type conversation without the effort or cost of going out and buying drinks...

CraigsList

That's the ticket...

and once in a while, I learn something new


(( laughter ))

a twist to the universe again

So earlier today I replied to a post on CL, and heard nothing...
And I went about my day, such as it is.

And then, in the late evening a reply.

It seems that I was one of the few who actually got through because someone flagged her post, and yet... why? it was well written, not spam and not offering that which would offend. My working theory; the spammers didn't want the competition.

Somebody needs to remove affiliate marketing from the CL/internet mix. That would help. SO would fixing Verizon's lame DHCP which will reissue different IP addresses to the same mac address; within a short timeout limit. (That's what allows the local spam posters to connect, post, disconnect and be REBORN!!! as a different IP). But, that would limit the business model of the internet provider.

Never mind net neutrality; we've got Pirates here aplenty!

Well, enough jousting at windmills. Wait until I lose my house; then see...

the disadvanges of being me

form follows function, foolishness tries to lie
I sit here getting inebriated, not telling nor tries
for the song and the dance
no appetite have I
just sitting here being me
miserable broke and alive

I look to the universe and ask it "why"
nothing responds to me
not even in my mind

form follows function, foolishness tries to lie
I hold within my my own guilt
my fears and failed tries
I don't have a plan in place
tried to explain to others

But no-one really is listening
and no one can help recover
the center that I lost
the moment profound

interrupted by roommates
but still in the sound
of life as it happens
and very little concerned

because I'm just me
and scared/food for worms
I am what I fear most
or am I at all?
I exist in the moment
my guilt held thrall

I would kill, no that isn't right
but judgement wished down
for other's malfeasance
my own troubles compound

Because I am just me
an island of self
and no-one hold succor
and no one offers shelter
and no one can save me

from myself.

Sometimes a project is the best medicine

So a friend of mine had a project he wanted done; a whole-house fan in the attic. We had some Dell Rack-Glides left over from a datacenter install; so...

Life, more interrupted.

So I have more posts on the back burner, and am mulling over some advice from my family...

to declare bankruptcy. I have to consider it; I am well and truely screwed. But, I've always been proud of my ability to ride this crap out; but this time...

Don't know, can't tell.

But there are certainly are more folks on my *list* than there used to be.

Damm.

Advice for the renter

1. Because of the economy, more folk are taking in boarders than ever before; when I was canvassing I saw 10 people (extreme case) in a one room apartment.

2. If you can find work that actually pays bills, then you have a better situation.

Why: (a) because then your work and your living situation are not tied together like living with a boyfriend or a fwb situation (which I'm seeing a lot more of advertised on CL, btw. Scary).

(b) Also, it's easier to negotiate a better deal when you aren't using labor dollars to pay for housing, especially if the labor dollars are not tied to some actual "rate". Eg, You work 4 hours at $10.00 / hour and therefore accrue $40.00 of rental payment; which offsets the $400.00 a month that you owe. At least that makes it clear how much work you're trading...

3. There are lots of adverts for rooms to rent on CL, on Roomates.com -- except you have to pay to play; and other venues. I like CL because it's predictably cheap and if you monitor it enough, you get a decent sampling of what's out there. (Which allows me to figure what's fair to charge for a room, and when I have my head buried somewhere dark). That will give you a quick snap of what rents look like in the area you are checking, and you can determine what is out of line, or if you are paying a little more for some extra amenities...

4. The area you wish to live in, especially if you are "not from around here", can be a significant issue. Both because you don't want to be too far from your work --- public transportation or personal notwithstanding; and also because you want to research the crime / violent assault statistics so that you don't get jacked up.

Eg, the Los Angeles Times http://projects.latimes.com/homicide/blog/page/1/ , and also http://spotcrime.com/ca

Depressing, but worth paying attention to.

5. Also -- in light of 3,4 specifically... using Google Maps to locate both the housing that you are interested in (including street view), and also to see how far it is from the work situation, and also the crime statistics... worth checking.

6. You want a clear rental agreement, with costs, terms and definitions; and you should plan on paying a deposit, unless you work out some other arraignment. (Eg, build deposit over time). But, always look for roommates in your social-economic level, and stay away from anyone who might have very different morals that are not yours! (bad things happen that way). The old joke about...

Seriously.

If you are counting on renters to help offset the bills (and they don't pay); or you are counting on your "arraignment" to cover your housing... either way you can get stuck in a situation...

postcards from the other side: and now a view from the other side

I'm just now coming back to myself. I can't talk, and wish...

Life becomes interesting when you hit that particular wall. I'm grateful for breathing and know it's a blessing, but my inner voice screams louder and won't get off my chest.

It will have to wait.

I can't even begin, but the time kept so slowly, and the images so vivid. I am grateful for breathing and it isn't a win. I'm out (sorta) from under and yet just beginning.

I have friends, and that is enough. Thank you all for that.

And now a view from the other side of the universe.

6/28/2010
I had a new experience. One I hope *never* to repeat. Not ever.
It started Monday afternoon, with my introduction to a mode of transport where you sit on your hands literally, in a waterproof, stain proof safety enclosure ripe with the smells of disinfectant (if you are lucky) and that you cannot extricate yourself from. From there, to a green room resembling a shower that is waterproofed and has a water drain in the center. That door sounds like a heavy car door or freezer; clanging shut with a ringing finality.

At one point, a brief interlude... an interview. Then, applying my other boot to my mouth, just to make sure that both are equally ensconced as close to the tonsils as my own erring ways can place them; I continue to dig myself deeper.

Then a pause;... and the door opens again. The younger sister of a woman I dated a year ago; and she and her family had made it clear that I was no longer welcome... *embarrassment*. Because she is a police officer, because of the situation I find myself, and because that I have no idea what to say to her except the truth... (which really amounts to "I want to get out of here, but cannot possibly imagine a way, unless someone shows me") and yet...
No succor here; but encouragement. It's cheaper and easier... and there is still really nothing that anyone can do. The watch commander, the policies in place, and the rule of law win the day. I sadly, do not.

I have a slight health condition, it's not immediately life-threatening; but in our most modern age, all precautions must indeed be taken... and the facility I am at does not possess the necessary medical personnel in the slight chance that I might, in fact suffer an event while in their care is an unacceptable risk. So then, off to the "bigger boy's" locale; at the lovely Van Nuys hotel of slightly older vintage, more disinfectant, and much scarier proposition...

I'm placed in a holding, where a pile of used food wrappers, milk/juice cartons already consumed, half eaten sandwiches and burritos are arrayed in a loose pile, and several (scary to me) but similarly unfortunate individuals are also ensconced. One is on the phone constantly (of which there are three), pleading with his girlfriend (theorized) to not believe that the text messages meant that he was corresponding with some other woman but that his friend was the culprit; he guilty of being a "parolee in the presence of another parolee" when collected... they were celebrating by drinking beer after planting some rosebushes at his mother's/grandmother's (?) home; and I can only think --- from my uncorrupted and untainted world view :: WTF?
His friend, with enough gang style tattoos (yes, I have watched TV) to insure instant respect in any high security facility; is trying to negotiate the transfer of $30.00 from one person to his girlfriend/family so that they can buy food... and that said person can keep half, as long as at least some (unknown) amount does reach his charges.

There are three phones, two working.

I call three friends whose numbers I've still got and recite back to each the phone numbers of the others, and hope to the luck of answering machines for succor from my distress.

Then sitting there in a complete and utter funk; I watch as some more individuals enter and immediately demand food from the authority figures that have routed them; and behold... sandwiches and apples similar to the waste on the floor is brought forthwith. The lines with authoritarian clerks wearing the sigils of their trade are at work, dispensing unknown magics and directions to the waiting crowd outside.

This crowd outside the clerk's area..., some of whom are members of the same select group and the others their charges; being primarily distinguished by the presence or absence of physical manifestation of the tools of their trade; and interestingly enough the "presence" that they carry while standing outside the location I find myself imposed within.

I sit. I watch, and I despair.

Some are called out and go elsewhere, I know not. Some new are added, and one "Roy" [or Leo?] introduces himself to all and sundry one by one... stating that you "need a brother to watch your back"... and trying to ingratiate himself with some other perhaps more powerful (?) individual or group... He asks me who I am (not where I'm from ... for which I'm strangely relieved) and then starts his pitch all over; as if I could somehow help him... and yet; in mid-sell, he topples slowly to the floor... eyes glazing and voice silent.

A moment of confusion goes by... and I start to look to the group outside... but one of the more scruffy inhabitants (who I had already judged and discounted); makes a gesture toward the group extant, and then points significantly at the floor at my feet.

Authority enters in masse; we are herded watchfully into another smaller place of staying; and a brief discussion of what the white boy is in for... because either they wish to explain the future or further tempt my direction at rabid fear and depression... and we wait.

The gentleman (and I use the term loosely here), who had already admitted to being diabetic and having been acquired during the course of his pastime as it were; wanted to know about food ... and we wait.

The door clangs open, we are herded back out and into our original location, now steaming wetly of disinfectant and other smells best not dwelled upon; and sandwiches are thrust upon the diabetic complainer; and we sit. "Leo" is not there.

And another group of petitioners and their Shepards enter; this time including some fairly attractive and young members of the female of the species. They also are dispensed instructions inscrutable and quiet; and move on.

Others are called; I sit. More enter, one that converses entirely in Spanish, and his cohort, who is busy talking to two others in English at the same moment... and I can catch only one word in 3 or 10, it's fast and I am very lost... and I wait.

I almost doze, I've reached that breathing point where the world slows and you can hear your own heart and there is space in the beats, and my name is called. At Last I think, and then find I am being interviewed by a technician to determine what medicine I need to secure my continued existence, and my blood pressure is taken. 151 / 110 75 or thereabouts, I knew it was higher, because I am stressed and because I have not had my medicine... but really?

A doctor then queries me and prescribes from his list; and I take two pills. They are not what I usually take, but hopefully... and back to the location of waiting, I sit.

One person, scratching madly, triggers memories of critters-past; and I start to imagine that I have acquired a host of the biting, crawling, infesting variety last experience with the cat's flea outbreak. I am *fairly* certain that it exists only in my mind; but is I sure....?

Time passes. I sit. Only the unimportant changes. Awaiting transfer to the next location.

The guy with the girlfriend and the rosebushes is back...

And I'm called. To an interview room it seems. "Do you know AAA_BBB"? I am asked.

Why yes, I concur; and am escorted to a room with phone handsets against glass; and handprints and smudges sprinkled liberally thereon. An officer leaves me there, and enters again on the other side of the glass, in a room that will dispense a meeting perhaps? And a woman, matronly but not too old, "somebody's Mom" it seems; and she tells me that she is a person of the requisite authority to negotiate on my behalf; and been started on this conversation by my friend, who for various reasons is not allowed further within (he's not just a citizen, you see).

For a pittance, a price... I can in fact be set free.

The paperwork is extensive, and includes all my assets, my relatives and much more. But I understand the caution, even as I long for the door. You see my options are quite limited, but I had a decision to make; whether to wait for THREE days to before authority state my case...
Or almost immediately out, for the small fee already mentioned; as long as I keep to my promise of intention. To appear and be queried, perhaps for more unpleasantness; I can be set out with this fee...
On my OWN recognizance.

I pay. I don't have it; but I pay anyway.
I still cannot go home; but at least...

I'm AWAY!

I think my picker is broken, Despicable roommates and another sleigh ride to hell

Well, the Ex-roommate/GF has left the building. It only cost my friends (who collected for me) about $400.00 and an entire day wasted while the gal made changes to an agreement that stated that "She was being paid money to vacate the premises and not return". She added all sorts of clauses about not trying to collect money for past debt, not coming after for software purchased on my credit card for her laptop (wtf?), and wanted yet more clauses to hold her harmless for stealing items from me... huh? Now I have to wonder WHAT she took.... inventory after she left doesn't tell me much except that she is a pig; and you don't want to know the details.

I'm just a livid an-gry person who wants to hunt her down and after that... I"m not sure but I know it's not legal in the US.

Tom Lehr said it best...

And everybody hates the room-mates...

You'd think that we'd all get past this kind of crap.

Oh well; press a button and get a response.

Now, how do I get them to apologize to each other without a shotgun?

:: Apologies to Tom!

Tom Lehrer == Brotherhood Week

So, on the treadmill... but to where?

Having a person in your life can be difficult. Especially when there is tension; and no good way to diffuse it. Nothing I do works right; and how do I let go of my fears?

For that matter, how does she?

Life with another in the mix is always a challenge to your preconceptions; I just wish mine were not so set in stone.

(Hers... well, that's another day)...

Here's to hope.

to quote puck...

PUCK

If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended,
That you have but slumber'd here
While these visions did appear.
And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream,
Gentles, do not reprehend:
if you pardon, we will mend:
And, as I am an honest Puck,
If we have unearned luck
Now to 'scape the serpent's tongue,
We will make amends ere long;
Else the Puck a liar call;
So, good night unto you all.
Give me your hands, if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends.

And yet, I guess the Nay's have it...

For whatever reason, I stepped in it with my gf, and created this entire mess.

And, seeking some hope of redemption; I suggested that maybe we should let the readers vote.

To quote Mal:

"That turned out well..."

implying not.

Mea maxima culpa.

http://community.livejournal.com/los_angeles/4906527.html#comments

The only time I get my foot out of my mouth...

IS to change feet. Once again, upset the gf with a unintended consequence. My fault; and a stupid move to make... no matter the "intended use", the results not pretty.

I apparently cannot get out of my own way. And the worst part; I didn't even remember posting the damm thing. (being annoyed, spur of the moment, or whatever...)

Should I get beat up for something I don't even remember doing? Obviously.

I just wish I could think *before* I create mayhem.

Wow. Sometimes your preconceptions get you into trouble...

I posted the comments, because I just saw them. (nobody usually comments, so I don't look)...

If I posted the whole ugly mess, then I'd be spiteful; and (as of yet) I'm still trying to not be that kind of person. I already resolved that I don't get mad, don't get even, don't get ahead; but this turning the other cheek stuff... I'm a jew if anything, and I don't really subscribe to that.

Being said, however... everybody is entitled to their opinion. Just keep it clean and civilized; how I was raised... and I don't do that level of anger anymore. Not for anybody. (well, maybe for BP and other idiots); but not uncontrolled. NOT ever again.

16 years, and I haven't lost it completely. Maybe today I won't either...

Head spinning...

So we broke up. That lasted three days.

Now we are back together...

Walking carefully, waiting for the other shoe

(in the back of the head?)

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and pray often. (if you're religious).

If not, drink scotch until the gremlins go away...

She's worth some effort. But, so many times in the past...

Inner daemons. Kinda like printer drivers; except they bite.

Wow. Sometimes... your preconceptions can be shattered...

You know, there are times when you just wonder how the hell you make that leap of faith.

Someone I trust wants to have me network with some folk that she's connected with. OK, so the particulars are... that it's a very tight-knit community and most of the folk are well connected in the local business/political scene. That means that they *could* refer me work; or cause me to get hired... (maybe).

There's only one catch. It's a local alternative-living group; not exactly sure what that means, and I'm being VERY circumspect... but it (I have been warned) can involve partially clad people having sex... at the gathering.

HMM... sounds like Rennaissance Faire to me... except with local business types and others. But, I'm not a "swinger" --- never considered it except for adolescent dreams of yesteryear (or was that decade?)... so this is one heck of a leap for me.

So what do you say at a party to someone who wants to swap with you?

I have no idea, except to say "Not yet, thanks for offering. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the concept?..."

wow.

Spammers are still stupid...

What I'd like to send back...:

suspect that you are bogus. My first clue: The name on the signature doesn't map to the user in the email address. A real person would have some connection between their name and their reply address. Besides, ... Generally speaking, if it sounds too good to be true; it's usually a Russian spammer. Feel free to send me links to your adult dating site, though... I'll just notify the referrer that you are bogus account, and you'll lose your proceeds.

And yes, we are ALL creeps. That’s why it's Craigslist.

Better luck next time.

-e

-----Original Message-----
From: nicoli knoth [mailto:nicoliknothga580@yahoo.com]
Sent: Thursday, May 13, 2010 11:08 AM
To: Edmund@
Subject: We talked a while ago

Hey, We talked a while ago about an ad i posted (or you posted and I mailed back). Iam just going through my inbox looking out for people that might have been worth talking to that I never got further with. As it turns out most of the guys on craigs were total creeps. I even went out on a few dates... never more than twice with the same person. Anyways, so I realized you weren't one of the people, and in your old emails you sounded pretty decent. If you think your a worthy guy who wants to go out and have some fun let me know. I will send you my pictures and tell you a bit about myself if you want. Hope to hear from you, Simone

Happy April ONE! (god I hope)...

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2010/03/hank-johnson-guam-.html

oh

my

...

Working and going to school

It's amazingly difficult to prioritize between school and work; you want to impress the folk paying your bill, but you also don't want to screw up the effort and money spent getting the classes that you are enrolled in.

A difficult quandry, especially when you need sleep.

And a gf to boot...

well...

How to have a wonderful life...

have wonderful friends.

Perhaps it's not just a recent trend...

And riches before you...

http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-sci-last-supper23-2010mar23,0,7531075.story

And dare I say it...?

I have a job. A Gig. A place to go where they pay me money.

At least... until they either find out what a fraud I really am... (hah!)

or...

something else happens.

But, what the hell. 6 weeks of EMPLOYMENT!

(cheers from the balcony; mostly creditors)

YAY.

IT's Sunday...

We all need some humor, should I say more?

see more There I Fixed It

lets see if I make sense...

So, Thursday was my mother's birthday. She is now 90 years old. Born, January 1920... and still maintaining her faculties. There's hope, even if my dad went at 67 from heart disease. (he smoked, but in addition had a bad heart valve, which is genetic).

I dropped a Math class because I wasn't going to do well on the first test, because it would probably affect my GPA, and CSUN wouldn't accept the grade anyway (too many repeats) ... math is my kryptonite. And, they wanted an additional $846 in tuition if I took it...

It's not like I'm made of money or anything like that. After almost two years out; I can say pretty equivocally that I'm broke. The yoyo string is about played out, and I'm just about done. That isn't exactly the place I want to be; and isn't particularly good for my morale.

Intersting thing, drink scotch and get weepy / depressed. Drink cheap sake and just get dizzy. Not sure it's an epiphany or what. But, without steady work; and the last guy I did two weeks for didn't pay up... not sure if it's me or the situation; but suspect me...

And the bills, they keep on coming...

Hati

Some quick facts:

There are bogus charities out there; so be careful, either research them before donating or make damm sure that they are who they say they are...

1. A review site for Legitimate charities: http://www.charitynavigator.org/

2. Established for the Haiti disaster: http://www.clintonbushhaitifund.org/

3. Be Careful Of Email Solicitations!!!

Failures haunt, anger provides, mistakes made

So I went to see a group of friends play both last night and tonight. Once again a wonderful evening; and yet I manage to spoil the ending (tonight) by upsetting the one person I really want to impress. Not because it's going anywhere (it isn't), but because I hit the same damm trigger as last time; and I know better. And the worst part, she's upset with me... and I'm upset with me for screwing up.

There just isn't a redeeming quality... I just have to stay in the background, where I don't try to be "too helpful". Every damm time.

Didn't completely ruin the evening; but came close.

sometimes people don't know I cook...

And yes, it's simple fare...

Yesterday… had salad, soup, grilled zuccinni and burger (pictured) – almost forgot to shoot it… was hungry.

Today…
Just got the urge for viet spring rolls, and went and brought shrimp. Had everything else, glass noodle, shredded some lettuce, scallions, Korean radish (which I forgot to put in)
Cilantro and parsley. Made the simple fish sauce, lime juice, chili paste, vinegar and sugar.

They still look like crap, but they taste good.

(except next time I de-shell the shrimp). Too crunchy.

of cats and kings

Pippi is still with us. I look at her, all 4 lbs and 12 ounces, and keep hoping as she fluctuates up and down. I cannot figure a dish that she will eat predictably, nor can I guarentee success if I get her pills down her throat. But, she still purrs and cuddles, and I always wake with her trying to get closer; so I haven't given up.

She gets all the treats she wants, and anything else I can get her to munch on. All the love and clean boxes she wants, and yet... I hold to the vain hope that she will get *better*. But, for now... she's still here. And that's enough.

reflections

Rage fits
follows lies
cant function
futile tries
tears flow
runny nose
just want to
let it go
Cant get
to a goal
is it me or
universe whole
I just want to win
but am back as
hamster again
chest hurts
bang my head
wonder if
be better off
dead
edge of night
my friends asleep
whats the point
disturb their sleep
I just sit
and quietly cry
for what is lost
and gone and by
Michelle Karyn Helene and Patty
proof positive it isn't them
And yet I scream
I am not broken
whisper it with glass unbroken
my cats they save me
once again
otherwise
calling sweetly
oblivion

thoughts thru a glass, imperfected

I think I forgot to post this one...
Date: 2009-12-31, 2:30AM PST

thoughts rage through my mind
form follows function
that which we are
leaves trails behind.
To seek is to fail
to accept is to cherish
that which binds us
and makes us whole.
Cynical writer seeks not such a goal
for goals themselves defeat purpose intent
That which is caught in the web of our lies
yet, not... because we reveal in our defenses
the wounds of the flesh and the spirit.
You ask what is it we look for; what is it we need?
I answer connection, in thought and in the deed.
If I had some wisdom to offer, to proffer in truth
it would be to be with, not hide or vent untruth.
I am but a man (old fart tho' I be...)
greyhaired pate exterior but inside might be free'd
for we ALL are alike in our needs and our goals
to be worthy to be judged a person, whole
I wish you well, my readers of note
the year it is ending, yet...
survives on the koolaid of hope.
to sleep, perchance to dream.
So, sleep well and wake
to face the new day
(apologies, Robert)
may your time be a full and as long as it may
If I wink and I nod, you'd best take it well
I mean you no harm, just appreciate that you are indeed....
well.

That which we seek, we often find within. That which is external cannot be coaxed nor coerced within.
A miracle occurs when that connection is found, but being receptive to it you must be
or will not be found.

head scratchers and furry warmers

)lets see if it works like it should...(cross posted, but what the hell

Friendship... still!

I had to repost this, it still applies. (they share meals)

for Joni and family

Form follows function.

I exist in the now.

The future uncertain,

The past pains me how?

I love all my memories

But would blur out a few

Loving fully, caring deeply

And once there were two.

And yet those who

Depend on me for life

Still bring me much joy

And center MY life.

If not for those

Humble they be

I would not be here

I’d elsewise be free.

I treasure family

Friends and successes

I exchew the large

Both wrong and excess(es).

But greyer I find

As I understand some

I welcome your presence(s)

On the journey we’re on.

So this year is starting

Both troubled and new

With wiser heads seeing

I trust that they do.

I wish you well

My love sent out

To family and friends

Both local and out…

May the ‘n oughts be forgotton

The pains may they fade

The world through new eyes

Be new’ly remade.

(on this day, January 2010)