what you wanted... intelligence?

I wrote this Dec7, but couldn't figure out if I wanted to own it or not.

That which you wish, you must ask for... Incoherent rambling, mumbles in the night. The pain that we feel, and cannot make right. The sound of our silence, the fears we possess; risking not, we gain nothing; risking not we possess…
The wine that fuels us, the voda, whiskey or the gin; the glimmerings of a life not this; where do I begin?
It’s not that I don’t know better, it is that I know not. That I cannot imagine a place, a person, a situation… Where I am not caught.
Reason swept aside, the fears rise up
I’m only a man, and fear fills my cup.

when all is said and done

Almost a week has gone, my luggage arrived at my sisters at 9:30 pm on Christmas Day... (mind you, I'm technically a jew... celebrating the holiday!)... the last delivery of the night, and you have got to have respect for a delivery guy out in that weather; with snow and ice on all roads.

So, my sister got her gifts after all, and I got to change my shirt.

Xmas Beaverton (Portland) Or 2008

I've posted some pix (some are pretty bad) up on this site.

And yes, I suck as a photographer (especially indoors).

XMAS Beaverton, Or 2008 Dec 25 -27 Family

Now I'm back in LA... and have to get back to work. (well, as much as I can before the new year).

cheers

The holidays (XMAS) in Portland, Oregon

Well, I've finally arrived.
Monday I started out at 4am, a friend picked me up and took me to the fly-away bus. (Getting someone to get up that early -- 3 am -- means that they really are your friend). Take bus to LAX, flight on Delta to Salt Lake, get stuck because the connecting flight isn't going to Portland; much hours later... come back to LA, sans luggage...

Confer with my sister in the morning (next day); get on a flight out of Burbank (Southwest) to Sacremento. **Thanks to my sister and her determined friend, Susi(?).** Hang around SAC for a while, connecting flight is late... but still going... and get into Portland airport around 8 pm; only with my carry on(s) because the checked item still hasn't made it out of whereever... get on blue train because red-line isn't running... a frozen track switch prevents transit to Beavertion; so I get to the closest destination (where my sister is waiting! Yay), around 11pm.
Today, I checked my luggage status, and according to the Delta website, it's *found* but "enroute". That means what, exactly? (sigh) That's most of my clothes, my shaving kit, and the gifts.

but, I'm here... I'm safe (and it's a VERY white christmas).

remembering...

I saw two "legacy" news items yesterday and today.

One was a recapitulation of the structure failure of the two towers of the 911 trade center. And... I immediately felt the emotions I had put away from that day. I had to change the channel.

The other was the Chatsworth train disaster of a month ago... the second slam to my good mood. And we still are waiting on the answers...

I guess, I'm grateful to not be a member of either group. That's going to have to be good enough...

but I still feel sad.

cogitatus incompletus

You know that old joke about "you go into a room, and you don't remember why you are there...". Well, it's happening to me more and more as I try to accomplish tasks; doing more with less (not sure if it's brain cells or what).

However, it becomes kind of frightening when you realize that you just spent the entire day on a particular task, and much less of that got accomplished than you hoped. Not to mention, the email to a friend that you forgot to send...

It's been another week, and I still haven't sent my Xmas^H^H^H^HSeasons Greeting cards...

But at least, most of my tasks for the year (excepting a NEW JOB, NEW ROOMMATE)... are done. And yet... I've got the first beginnings of the website up for my bar client; (although it doesn't look like much... ).

Oh wait... I still forgot to send the damm email...

December 7, 1941

There are not as many left alive to remember firsthand, but I feel the need to acknowledge their pain and experience.

Lest we forget, in 1941 the Japanese leadership in a misguided attempt to defuse the American nation, attacked our bases Perl Harbor, Hawaii. I do not hold the current population responsible, but the unbridled nationalism is what fueled this conflict, as well as the "theater" of Europe.

My father, my uncle, and other men and women fought, and many died to protect us from these threats and keep us free. As we enter the new year, (soon I hope!) we must remember what has been done in our name and resolve to do better. I would honor their memory, and remember that we must remain vigilant both abroad and within.

we need to retake our heritage.

I wish you all well.

Life, love, and depression

Any reasoning human is occasionally overwhelmed by events. Ever since my most recent relationship ended (by her choice); I've been wavering between the intellectual awareness that "this too shall pass", and the real pain that "nobody wants me". It doesn't matter how many books (self help, anger awareness, relationship skills) I read; it still hurts. And... it doesn't help at all that the economy sucks; or that many of my fellow men/women? are also without jobs. So, I'm one among many; that still doesn't help pay the bills.

Being a self-employed "consultant" means you never are unemployed; it just means that sometimes... you don't have anyone paying you to practice your skills.

Getting depressed about these two items (relationships and work) doesn't seem to be very productive; and yet, no matter how much I can view it externally (from the outside)... I cannot seem to break free from the feeling engendered, especially lack of self-worth.

I can't blame the "employer", they made a business decision; it just happens to suck for me. I cannot blame the ex-girlfriend, she has to operate in the framework of her needs and those of her daughter. But, it doesn't make it easier to accept; it just makes it harder to remove it from myself... as "Something I did"...

And maybe, perhaps...

I did.

I'm still reading "Learned Optimism", when I can focus myself enough to grind through it. Not because it's a bad read; but because I feel guilty taking the time...

In the meantime, It's the holidays; and I'm feeling very scrooge-like.

I've said before this quote "Ghosts are the memories of past regrets.", and I'm haunted by them. I can't attribute the quote (perhaps you can), but I think the truth is evident. At least, to me... because I definitely feel that regret.

We have a new President-elect, a really lame duck (turkey?); and the economy is on the skids. What's not to feel the christmas spirit...? (and I'm at least technically Jewish)...

Happy Holidays.
May our next year be better.

Room for Rent, somewhere in the valley...

It's amazing. When I bought my condo back in the day, I had roommates. They were friends, friends of friends, co-workers, and friends of...

I'm still in touch with some of them, and they are still friends. Two guys, one with a gf (now his wife); two gals (one of whom I still hear about but don't talk to); one or two who are dead... unfortunately, they were amazing friends; a gal who I lost track of when she moved to Vegas(and the only roomie I've ever slept with --).


These days almost 20 years later, (thanks to the economy)...

I post an advert on Craigslist to find a room-mate, and get the most unusual results. Two summers ago, I got a guy moving down from the bay area to a new job, bringing his family (later). He was an amazing roommie, mostly because he was a responsible adult and a good guy to hang out with (even though he was a vegetarian).

Then, I advertise again, and get

(*) weird gals who want to trade "services" for the room (wtf?) (pet care, sex?),
(*) get a squatter who moves in while I'm out of town... and have a hell of a time convincing her to move out!
(*) a "doctor" from Iran who's working as a day-laborer because he doesn't have a license to practice (and he can't get better work with that level of education?, and his "brother-in-law" does all the speaking for him)... ** remember 911 is still with us **

(*) a stunninly beautiful model-quality type, who does a quick scan of the place and very politely... runs for the hills. (Remember, I have cats!!!) and am a typical guy (bear with furniture) so I can't really say anything bad about that decision!

(*) a guy who when asked "why are you moving?", tells me that "his landlord is evicting him to sell the building" and that "he's suing the landloard for moving expenses and inconvience"... AND HE REALLY EXPECTS ME TO WANT TO RENT TO HIM?

And... when I ask them to fill out a credit check (so I can see if they're really a terrorist/felon/confidence-person etcetera, the "doctor", the gals... vanish. I guess Al Q can't do good documents...

Hmm... I wonder if that says anything?

So, I'm looking again, and have talked to a couple with a kid (more bodies than I want as a steady roommate situation); a gal with daughters (at least a slightly smaller burden); and Yet again... a Nigerian scammer posing as a hot british gal...
It's not the W4M, M4W, or LTR section folks...

It would be nice to have a roommate (or even the gal with kids) as a short term solution... as long as they respect the house/the cats and I can get along with them...

At least, no flaming militant gay guys this time... I voted against Prop8, but that's mostly because of freedoms and civil liberty; not because I want to live it at home. I've got enough gay friends at present... and although I love them dearly; the drama (experienced first hand!) is more than I need. My best female friend is ... and I wouldn't trade her for the world, but she's as rare as they come. (still couldn't live with her).

But, it really is about the money folks; otherwise I'd be advertising for a 25-35 year old with big breasts; and very low self-esteem....

Well... (grin) that would be fun, also... but still wouldn't pay the bills.

so, we'll see who returns a reference sheet/ credit check form...

wanna put money down that they don't?