So my mom is turning 99.

I realize it's kind of a weird concept, but my mom is turning 99 years old at the end of January. She's been around since the 1920s and she's tired. She also doesn't like Trump very much which I approve of as a rational thinking human being.
But tonight she and I and a bunch of my sister's friends got together and celebrated my sister's birthday, and mom was right there in the thick of it. It Makes my heart Happy.

Blond with a side of dissapointment

Hope dashed,  rage returns
Someday I'll be a better man
apparently not today.

The song remains the same

So, a little bird told me that my former roommate/friend (not) is back at the meth manor.

Three weeks ago, she was all optimistic about a job offer down south, and being flown north to see the operation mid-state.  She called me to tell me so, but then went dark. 

Since she doesn't keep any of per promises, am I surprised that she's quiet?
If she had the job I would think she'd have bragged about it.

I'm betting she got drunk and made a really *good* impression (not).
I'm guessing (not sure), because if she went out to celebrate... drunk in a bar she's an embarrassing slut.  She hits on every male within range.  I've been there for three-four of those events, and it's uncomfortable as fuck.

So,  choices are either the job offer was a fake, she burned it ... or perhaps it went really well (But that doesn't match her track-record).  I haven't heard.

Good news would have been welcome. 

The illusion that your friends are moral compasses...

I had a phone conversation with one of my friends... earlier today where that person told me that (a) that they haven't filed with the IRS for years, and (b) isn't going to vote because they don't like the parties (either one). 

The other acquaintance (used to say friend)... that feels the same way, uses self-justification to avoid responsibility for being part of society and yet will take government social handouts (food/medical) without a qualm.  Especially annoying since THAT person pretends to be moral and ethical individual (hint -- they are not).

Because of this (and a lot of f*ng russians and greedy rich folk) the Donald rose to office.  I hope y'all like your Florida property underwater while y' grab the p***.

I'm going with angry on this one... 

I shot an arrow into the air...

Every so often I throw out a line to the universe, and see who (if anyone) really responds.  It kind of keeps me in touch with my basic humanity.  Think of it like being at a cocktail party or bar... where you just chat up random strangers; except for the preconceived notions of who they are and what they look like.



Some of my best conversations started this way; but they are rare and treasured. 



The gal who I was complaining about, another lost soul in the madness that is this city; visited last night and we had a pleasant time.  She bought/cooked dinner; which was her trade for sleeping on my couch I suppose.... and no karmic debt was incurred.  However, I did detect the occasional edge of what-in-the-past has created great drama; and just avoided it.  She did so, kinda automatically as well.  And off again... for whatever goal she's chasing...  but I did get a salmon dinner and some decent conversation.   And no-one was harmed in the exchange.  I just have to reprogram my brain...



One of my other roommates got to vent about searching for a replacement car to her... since I'm very done with his extended search... (he totalled his a month ago) and she was interested and helpful... and I didn't have to "help".



meanwhile I stave of the madness in little ways...  



Oh the humanity...Snap.

Implicit Bias

An implicit bias, or implicit stereotype, is the unconscious attribution of particular qualities to a member of a certain social group.

I'm an older (duh) white male living in a Los Angeles suburb.  In a  condominium.

I also face the pool in the complex, and (because I am on the board of the association) occasionally face the task of trying to get people to *play nice*.

If they are playing music too loud (yes, it is subjective), or creating havoc or destruction, then I am prone to go in and point out that they are being inconsiderate; specifically, since we have rather warm evenings and nights, being in the pool area after hours; which would be 10 pm on a weeknight or Sunday. 

I am also mindful that being an older white guy, I exactly match the stereotype of the oppressor vis-a-vis black and Hispanic young men.  I'm as uncomfortable confronting teenagers as they are at being accosted or challenged.  Just because someone is being loud and having a good time is not a good reason to tell them that they cannot do so. 

It is a difficult situation for all concerned, the kids  (ladies and young men) are just having fun; high spirits and playful... and I do not want to discourage or ruin that.  On the other hand, feedback on manners is appropriate; but I am pretty sure that anything I say in that regard will be colored by the toxic climate in our society today. 

It is a dilemma; and I have no good answer.  Somehow, we have to all get along.
Just because I or others may not appreciate the music played or the volume; does not give me the right to deny it.  I remember when "over 30" was a catchphrase for judgmentally deficient and hidebound conservatism.  I do NOT want to be that.... oh wait.  Snap.

Alcohol + rage + frustration = shitty outcome (Does it matter?)

Once again, I make the mistake of trusting someone with a drinking and anger problem. And no, I'm not clean here, I'm equally to blame.  Because I know better.
So when I tell the truth (ungarded -- which I agree I should not have done), she flips out.

So I wanted a relationship.  That isn't going to happen.  Oh, I'll get screwed all right, just not in a way I'd like.  I just blocked everybody.  They can go sod off for a day or week or so...

And yes, I can be a  jerk

Hey Doctor... it hurts when I do this...

So, got a call today from the former roommate.  She was pretty wound up, and asked me to come get her.  OK... once more into the breech.  Oh wait, (long irrelevant story here)...  but basically she's protecting a kid from his parents, who maybe are abusing drugs, and some issue came up.
The house has 5 to 7 cats in it, and is a shithole, and it's cleaner because of her than it was.

So we go to the park for a bit and meet up with some official type folk about the story, and then she decides that she needs to go home to pack, and will be ready in an hour because she's really pissed about how it turns out.  And... just before I go to fetch her (prearrainged), social services drops the kid off with her.
And... oh wait... the two broken parental units reappear.  Not incarcerated, and no mission accomplished.  Just...
So she bolts; goes to deal with her issues her way... and promises to call me at a particular time, which comes and goes.  No surprise.  That way she doesn't hurt me.

Doctor it hurts when I do this...

Can I make someone else hurt instead?  Please....  I don't know whether to be madder at the fake parental units who caused this mess, or the DCFS office that can't get their act together.

So, another interview, another chance to prove I'm right... (they don't care)

Yet another agency wanted me to come in for a face-to-face.

As if they couldn't do the entire thing via Skype.  I got lucky this time and was able to park for free for two hours (not that I  am going to take that long).

It is amazing how young they are.  I guess from my perspective.... they are all children.  Even the manager, whom I spoke with for maybe three minutes; trying like hell to not get mad because she has already dismissed me as not useful to her.

They have a process, and it's probably about the best you can hope for; because someone figured out that if they keep asking questions, they may eventually hear something that they like.  Or, perhaps not...

I'm a Information Technology person who used to be a developer; and I miss it more than you know.  Where you actually *did* something useful, and created from scratch...

Now I'm just another short-order cook on the information highway.

Pain causes poetry

 whores come and whores go
Where they live, nobody knows.
damaged goods, broken souls
lying faking surviving
barely shows.
It doesn't matter to me.
They're worthless trash it's said
family hates
no friends no hope
just endless "dates".
Broken and angry
thief in the night
justify yourself in the neon light.
Rob and steal, inject and lie dazed
from families broken
unhinged and unmade.
Worthless
dangerous
evil
and gone
you accept this
because you are done.
So they do these things showing disrespect for the whole human race.
Armenian. Mexican, black and I'm white, not right.
Race matters not,
it's entirely for spite.
You made your bed,
it stinks of risk.
you fulfilled your destiny
it is reduced to this.
I would weep for you now dears
if I had any left to give.
Instead feel my (metaphorical) knife
the only role I live.
You say you are worthless, and make it so.
It's up to you now, to change and to go.
Decisions...

So, what the fuck?

I got a call from my ex-roommate.  She told me that she talked to the detective, and said the entire allegation was based upon her being drunk and that she didn't hold to the accusation *after* sobering up.  That we were friends.

Now I wait.  And see what the detective makes of it.  Because, I still could get charged, and at very least for assault...

In AA they talk about amends.  As in ... doing something to apologize and *fix* the damage done prior.  As if that would remove the damages.

News flash, amends are only worthwhile if the person responsible actually feels remorse for the actions taken while out of control. If the person responsible doesn't own it, any apologies are worthless.

Surprises (again?)

So I got a call this morning from a Detective (name removed) from the local division.
It seems that my ex-roommate filed a report of rape against me, either on the day she put me in the hospital emergency room, or a couple days later. 

Long ago, before any of this she told me that she always operates from a position of having less to lose than whomever she is interacting/negotiating with.  The idea, that she can do unto them much worse than they can do unto her...  which is the point.

So, I get a hospital stay, and she gets to accuse me of rape?

yay.

Great fleas have little fleas upon their backs to bite 'em,
And little fleas have lesser fleas, and so ad infinitum.
And the great fleas themselves, in turn, have greater fleas to go on;
While these again have greater still, and greater still, and so on.


[originally posted -- 2009-09-07T23:44:41.486-07:00]
attrib:

• Augustus De Morgan, A Budget of Paradoxes, p. 377. Compare Swift, below.

Reflection. about a week

So missy moved out.  No surprise, but the feeling is still equal parts betrayal and hurt, and anger.  I'm still waiting for relief; but It has not happened yet.

So I had this alcoholic roommate; and she moved out...

I'm conflicted because (a) I still wanted to try and help her, and (b) she wasn't paying rent... or doing the agreed chores (etc).  I could go on at length at how she'd wronged me... and I returned the favour; but what is the point?  Whether she owed me money or not, fucked me over or not... when the ship lifts, all bills are paid.

Meanwhile, I'd wonder what she's up to .... except I don't care.  I just keep telling myself that.

So, I have this college dude moving in, and he's totally harmless.  Yes, I know the type.

So why am I bummed?

Maybe because I didn't get to fuck her?  Nope.  Been there done that.  Maybe because I wanted to help her and that didn't take.

mis-communication, my favorite.

So, finally talked to the *absent* roommate; turns out she thought I said she didn't have to pay rent, and I thought I told her that I wouldn't kick her out (but assumed that she'd still try to pay it)...

And it just goes wrong from there.

Now I'm out 9 weeks (two months plus) and she's upset... and I'm upset... and I am now really screwed for immediate cash.  No surprise.

This one is on me.

I also mentioned that I think she's doing Meth again, and that of course went over well.

The hits just keep coming.

Unreality, it just spins

So talking with the one roommate over the phone early this evening as I was commuting back from a class elsewhere (about an hour commute); I get yet another sugar coated surprise.

First, she tells me that she had a really great time with her son whom she visited (which I think is great), then acknowledges that we need to talk and we agree on this weekend; because we have to be sober and because I'm booked until Friday afternoon when I proctor the class I'm auditing.

She tells me that she is going to sue our mutual "friend" for defamation of character which she characterizes as a felony; it isn't, as far as I can tell it's a civil matter unless some other rules which I have not researched apply. See link1. And civil matters have to show injury, and if you wish monetary compensation you have to show losses.  (Or did I get that wrong? I have to check)...

Great.  Now she is on tilt.

So the surprise...

She "reviewed" the amount of work that she has "done" for the house, and determined that I probably owe her money.  I am speechless.  Our agreement was she paid rent, and contributed about $150-200 a month in cleaning effort... and anything else she did was because she insisted.  (It helps her with stress to have projects to do, never mind whether I agreed to them or not)...
And I offered to drive her (the agreement was she'd cover gas) for 5 trips to south orange county and back that I can document.  So who's time is worth more?

I told her I would not kick her out over rent, but this is not what I agreed to...

She hasn't paid rent since 8 weeks ago as of now, owes just under $800 (8 weeks minus a little), and is disregarding the $330 in direct loan expenses (hair colour, vision checkup, cigarettes, her cellphone bill and she even talked me into buying her beverages..).

I'm not including the emergency room visit ($140), the followup doctor's visits  to inspect and later remove stitches,  or the damn wusthof solingen classic 8 inch kitchen knife  (about $159 discounted) that the local police department "lost".

I figure it almost $1400... if I count the incident... which is more than she's ever made doing her thing since I have known her.  And I'm not her boyfriend/toy or client...  (and all I really asked her for was the $300 -- because I figure she's good for about that much maybe).

And if I do anything at all, it will be "my fault".

splendid.

What the F???

So [a month ago], after two plus weeks of mostly incommunicado with a side of "but we are still friends, I love you"...  roommate pops up on text and says that since she's not in a position to pay rent, she's moving out. But not until June 1rst, which means she's not paying rent for ...

Like wow.

Not to mention the money she borrowed.

I still don't want her to move out; because she's still interesting to have around; but she's right... I don't completely trust her.  Haven't in fact since she put me into the emergency room with two pretty good cuts and a bite.  Not to mention, when she's drunk she's a real hoot...  As in crazy homicidal maniac...

I'm left with:  a. just eat weeks of rent plus 300 or so of loaned money that I can't afford, and wait patiently for the recompense that isn't ever going to come...   --- because I know where this trainwreck is headed.

As long as she hangs out at CrazyTrain / MethHouse Manor, this is going to get worse.

Yay.

No good solutions.

Leiah is better

Took my baby girl into the vet this morning.

She's doing better, got another antibiotic shot and probably only has to wear the collar for another two weeks.  I can hope, anyway.

Another $200 shot.  But, how could I do otherwise?

Sunday night, another disaster

So Sunday I took my roommate and son back to his home.

On the return drive... 

She drank 3/4 of a flask of Fireball in the car on the freeway after dropping her son off. 

Never mind the open container laws, which would cost me as well.

She called her friend on the other phone she has two (business and family)... so he can listen in.

And she starts by calling the Mexican gangbanger...

She's talking to him about her wet pussy, and how she wants him... etc. Typical.  Then she hangs up.

I was busy not saying a f****** thing at that point, because I didn't want to set her off. 

At that point she started dissing the Mexican "pica" client on the phone and then told me that she had to smoke and I had to pull over. 

I said I was waiting for an off-ramp, and she went off about how I was a loser..

She then put her feet up on my dash told me I was a Jew kike loser bastard etc etc etc, and said she was going to smoke in the car. 

When I got off the freeway she was reading me the riot Act got out of the car after more abusive b*******, and then told me if I didn't leave she was calling the cops and that she wanted her friend to tape record me. 

I hung out for about 5 or 10 minutes she walked away and disappeared. I didn't abandon her, I just chose not to continue the discussion.

I agree that every time I open my mouth and say anything at all I get in trouble. 

Her friend said

"Yeah that’s pretty much where she’s at with you. She’s done with the flirtations, the innuendos, and the outright sexual harassment. I think if everybody’s on that page things will work out. If not, she’ll have her stuff out of there ASAP and would be appreciated if it’s unmolested "

I thought I was clean there.  apparently not according to her however.  I was kind of going with if I don't say anything, I can't get into trouble...  apparently that isn't true.

However, I'm very sorry I reacted.  I should NOT have called her a cunt.  Asshole perhaps. But it beats breaking her jaw, or selling her to the Mexican mafia as a whore...

Anyway, I react to Kike Jew Bastard about the way she reacts to cunt.

Also, Threatening to smoke in my car?  Not fair.  I told her I would stop as soon as I could safely.

She was over the top - drunk and abusive.

I lose.

Anger is never a good response

So, roommate came back from her weekend stressed and tired.
Starts up a tv-movie, and is enjoying it.  A scene comes on and I make a joke comment in poor taste.
She goes ballistic, because as usual she's more wound up than at first glance.

And I'm tired of walking on a fucking tightrope.

She's mad, lashing out, and I'm the pinata.

fuck it.

Fucked up again...

So, I am off doing work; and my roommates manage to completely screw the pooch, one lets the tomcat into the condo common area, and the other drunk (unaware that the tom is *out*) lets the fucker out.  So, she tries to catch him...  and manages to get mauled and bit for her trouble.  On top of that, the other idiot starts yelling at her that it's *her* fault.

And then, I get handed the line... it's either the cat or the roommate. She (hopefully) will back down when more sober, but you never know.  <insert swear words implying lack of responsibility and unfairness>...

Both of these <insert insulting implication of mental incontinence> (well meaning, but then again)... managed to put one of my cats out in the world, and I've already seen evidence of rabies et al in the local populace... so that's not exactly a good feeling.  I'm amazed what stupid and alcohol can do in concert.  It's just fucking amazing.

Just when you thought you got your head out of your ass...

So, roommate drops the line on me "I have no boundries", it's just a matter of price.  (Implying of course, that nothing is off the table if you have enough $$$).

She's blase about various items she refers to as "hard / rough" which means I don't have any idea...  but we talked about it; sort of...

It give the mind furiously to think... oh wait, what exactly was she implying?

I know *absolutely* that she's not in love/like with me... (sorry to say it's not the case in reverse), and it's going nowhere fast.  However...  I guess the lizard can still dream.

It won't happen.

Ever.

Why do I bother?

(she's gotta do what a *** gotta do...)

Crisp air at night, a little sunshine in the day...

Hmm... I've been neglectful.

One of my fur-babies had surgery to remove an open wound on her back, either from a disagreement with Sir (tomcat), or a spider bite... the lab results seem to indicate an allergic reaction to a bite... but I know they got into it also.

I lie awake-ish in bed in the early morning, wondering whether my roommate is home, is still out; or lost somewhere.  It's not my job to care, but when you do... you worry.  The other one is still stressing about the stock market (if there's a good decision to be made buy/sell; he's usually going to do the opposite).

And I cannot find full-time work; period.  I just got off the phone with yet another agency flack, who's trying to get me an interview for a gig nearby; and I can only say that I am more obsolete than I know...

If my roommates were *perfect*, then they would not need to live here with me; and if I were better situated, then I would not need the additional money that they contribute...  but that is how it is.
Inch by painful inch, I crawl past my bills.  I remember when I had a decent credit rating. Back then...

But the sky outside is beautiful here in Lost Angeles, and it's another opportunity to succeed.

Perhaps.