I weep for the loss of innocence

 I used to believe in romance, and the "happily ever after".

Now I take comfort in the smaller wins; a smile, a purr.

I no longer believe in the grand design.

Three fathers.

 I weep quietly in the night.

"Do androids dream of electric sheep?"
I pray my soul be mine to keep.
I miss those who go before,
Another father figure through the door.

I had three to hold on high.
First my father, biological and pride.
He suffer'd through the War number two. 
It scar'd him there, through and through.
He never talked about it though the years; 
He felt it though, in unshed tears.
He only told the story of 
his return alone with one buddy on
a troopship playing cards 
but not
every saying anything about
that time.

The second was an honorary post,
a sage and wise councilor 
giver of advise and praise.
He said "dear boy" and made me feel
that love felt but not revealed.
His family though, took exception to
my mother's affection and in spite of that
I think she felt unwanted and...
left the situation feeling less than that.

So, the third was the last companion
of my mother who never lacked for those.
Appreciated for her worth and value
that this one was also gentle and kind,
he passed today, with family around.

All were part of shaping me, 
all had value and shared it free
of charge or fee.
All were upstanding and some you'd know.
But, the point of it is what they show.

We all have value, I know I have mine.
The love shown to me, 
the example fine.
I take that with me, so they're not gone.

They live in my heart, as examples

As song.

Elemer, Brage, Bernie... 
you will always have a home in my heart.
(My mother does also, but she already knows that).

Honor and Guilt

From a discussion with a full-blooded Japanese American friend.

 Japanese have honor.

Jews have guilt.

I have at various times, made less-than-ideal decisions with regard to the animals in my stewardship, or been around the situation where I could have / should have helped and failed to do the right thing.  In retrospect.

 We lost my first cat  because when we took her during evacuation for a fire, I didn't keep her with me in a carrier in the room I was in... so she got out and got *lost*.  I was a kid at the time, but it still hurts.

When I went to UCSD to go to school, my father put down one of my doggies because he was *uncontrollable* and Dad was afraid of him.  I didn't even know and wasn't told until later.  (I very much doubt that the dog was uncontrollable.)The cat I left with my Mom when I was hopping from abode to abode, she left behind when she moved to San Diego, and I really didn't think it through; and he died (under the old house we lived in) sometime thereafter.

The cat I took with me to Fountain Valley, I had put too sleep because he had FeHIV, because I was afraid that he would infect the neighborhood cats and my then roommate would NOT under any circumstances bar him from leaving my room and going outside.  I didn't even hold him while they put him to sleep.

I made a promise to myself that I would never do anything like that again.  It drives my moral code.  It is who I am, and who I want to be. It hurts my heart when I consider those actions; and I try to do better / learn from them.

When my Mom (who otherwise I absolutely trust) makes statements that I should not do something with regards to the cats or the bunny... etc I realise that the gut reaction I have to that is based upon my prior history and failures.

I didn't even know Baby was sick until I couldn't find her, and she seized and died with me in attendance before the vet clinic opened.

I promised myself I would not-be-that-person Ever again. I spent a lot of money on Mr Taffy, Molly, and cats Baby/Pippi/Saido to make sure that they had a good life.  Not doing so was unthinkable; and I did have the funds.

Now, I'm trying to do it on a shoestring budget.  But, it isn't in me to be that pragmatic, they are my charges, my children, and I cannot do less.  I will at least try.

That's why I'm so defensive about it.

 John Stuart Mill, who delivered an 1867 inaugural address at the University of St. Andrews and stated: “Let not any one pacify his conscience by the delusion that he can do no harm if he takes no part, and forms no opinion. Bad men need nothing more to compass their ends, than that good men should look on and do nothing. He is not a good man who, without a protest, allows wrong to be committed in his name, and with the means which he helps to supply, because he will not trouble himself to use his mind on the subject.”

I am not perfect; as you well know.  But, I will do what I can to be better than the day before.

I speak to my Mom almost every night.

 I call my Mom almost every evening; it has become a tradition.

It started some years back, when she fell and broke something and there was some uncertainty as to her continuing because she was unhappy being restricted because of the break.  It was also a wake-up call that my mother was/is mortal and will not be around for ever.  And Ouija borards notwhithstanding, I'd rather hold a conversation with her while I can hear her answers.

She's now 101 1/2 and in spite of Covid19, looks likely to make it to the end of the year.  At least, I hope so (knock on wood?)...  because I'm not ready to let go, although I don't get much of a say in the process.

One of her favorite jokes concerns the "Hereafter"....  because she says that she goes into a room, and wonders "what she is here - after?"

I have tapes of interviews with her from about 10 years ago, when she, her brother and her sister all got together and reminisced about life, the universe and growing up.  I still haven't transcribed it to permanent media; and I should.

Meanwhile, I will call her every evening about 7 pm or so, and talk for a while.

It is at least enough.

Bad debt redeemed?

 So the bad debt made good on a payment.

I am impressed (not thrilled) just impressed.

She promised that she sent out a check to one of the others who had loaned her money, we will see if she delivers.  If so, she will have done what she promised... now it's just a matter of her keeping up.

fingers crossed.

Friday night, the same old song

 I have this friend, used to be "with benefits" but now alas is not.

She likes to keep her thumb on my neck, just to keep me in line.  I object, she shrugs it off as I was imagining her control; but there it is.

That is life.

Meanwhile, 3-4 whiskeys and I still am not *outside* myself.

It is what it is.

things I shouldn't let out in polite company

 Some times, my inner voice shouldn't be let out to play. "I'm drunk, it would probably be a good idea to not engage with me at this point, unless you want your head to have a guided tour of your rectum."...

And it continues, the bad debt moves to Washington State

 You know, the person who borrowed money and did not repay it; had shown her true colors; and yet... the two other folk who are involved are no longer interested in talking to her and all three of the folk (including another close friend of mine) will not take her calls.

I still answer occasionally, but I also keep hoping for a miracle that I know will never occur.

Optimist by policy, I think.

Her ex-boyfriend (I think) gave her a one-way ticket to somewhere in Washington, and that is where she sits... on some form of assistance in an apartment/room/house ??? and even secured a car to drive.  Proof positive that she still knows how to work the system; no matter how crazy train the rest of her interactions are.  (Voice... I hear voices I tell you).

I know she's "ill" and some/all of this isn't her fault; but it is hard to forgive and forget when she will acknowledge the debt and still has no plans to pay it back... and never will.

"Hello, my name is ... and I've been grifted"... 
"Hello ..., welcome to 12 steps to not being a mark. (again)."

Life.

Meanwhile, the three roommates with priors (alcohol, drugs) before her most recent interaction are ghosts.  I think that is a good thing.  I keep telling myself that.

*** You know that any conversation I have in my head, playing "what I would say" ... goes badly.***

Always.

Peeking out of my foxhole.

It has been a year.

So, we now have Covid vaccines; and I'm waiting to get one.  Any One.
I've already been exposed several times, and although I never really went down for the count; the only way I would know for sure if I've had it, would be to have an antibody test (which my health care provider isn't giving -- so it would cost me out of pocket).

Meanwhile the PCR tests (I've had two) have been negative.  Since they are more reliable than the rapid test... that indicates that I probably did not have it at the time of testing.  Probably.  I'm not a hyperchondriac; but it would be nice to be able to see my Mom... she's just celebrated her 101'th birthday.  There aren't that many more of them in the cards.

While I'm asking... a f/t gig (job, consult, whatever) would be helpful.  

One of my roommates (the socially dysfunctional one) stopped paying rent, and in California... there isn't a lot I can do about right now.  He's out of cash because he gambles on the stock market... and makes bad choices.  That isn't related to Covid, and I consider the outcome an unfair burden; but with current policy...  and if I contact his family (who have money), that ropes in people who aren't involved and you could make the argument that it isn't fair... except they can afford his  intransigence better than I can. 

Fortunately, I have some remote work, and lots of books to read.