Never Again

 “The cold would numb pain, swallow my sickness, leave everything calm and sharp-edged and rational and clear. I could lean into that power. forget this pain, at least for a time but somewhere deep down inside my guts, there emerged a solid, unalterable realization of truth:

Somethings should hurt.

Some thing should leave you with scars.

Somethings should hunt your nightmares.

Some thing should be burned in my memory.

Because that was the only way to make sure they would be fought. It was the only way to face them. It was the only way to cast down the future agents of death and havoc before they could bring things to this.The words never again mean more than some people than others.

—Jim Butcher

(only slightly out of context)

Ghosts are the memories Encounters we had

 I shot an arrow, aimed at a friend (probably not) (Lost Angeles)
She ghosted in 2017, telling me she *would*.
I guess you can call that honesty, white trash style.
I know *you're* still out there... unless you're dead.
It's possible.

Ghosts are the memories
Encounters we had
Connections broken
Some good, some bad.
Just because you'll do upskirt in a bar
doesn't mean you are classy
not hardly
not by far.
Since you like to do groups
that much I now know
I won't post your name
but we learned your nature
and so
Funny thing is I miss you
So how fucked is that?
No human is irredeemable
or are they? In fact?
If you show'd at my door
with what would I greet?
Questions? Answers?
or just point the street...
Anger much?

Echos are all I hear (Lost Angeles)

You are still out there.

I've never seen you , never talked.
I dream of what could have been, what never was.
I see you in the faces and figures I watch;
in the passers by and folk unmet.
A liberal in a city of unconnected folk
a poet with bad lines
a musician who can't keep time.
Alas, my time has come and gone
I've chased an impossible dream.
Three years ago, I met you (I thought).
Turfed in Emergency's hallway, I reconsidered.
You were not the one I'm seeking,
in spite of the need, the desiring.
Just a figment of testosterone fueled hope.
Just another stain on the wall.

And yet...

One can hope.

or not.

I shot an arrow... arrows arrows Everywhere

So, the long and the short of it; is that I upset a friend of long standing.  To the point that she gave me back my keys and demanded hers back.  It's a tumultuous relationship, she's a lesbian older woman and I'm her friend who knows how to fix things and cook (something she states she "can do, but will not").
The details are really not that important, except that when she's scared/frustrated she lashes out.  It is what she learned as an abused child oh... so long ago.
I'm pretty weathered myself, have a whole closet of Tshirts with "been there, done that" on them.  Mostly from Craigslist roommates; you know... the ones you love to hate.

So, she found out that I've been exposed to Covid (no surprise, it's when... not if); and because that frustrates some of her plans (she's got a crisis of her own that I was supposed to be helping with, and I cannot if I'm self-quarenteening).
But, instead of addressing that, she attacks me on several other fronts, and we part the phone call in a not so good manner.  So, I wrote her an email countering her attacks, and told her that she had to get past MAD before we could talk.
That worked well.
I'll probably flame her later; when I have composed myself sufficiently... but for now I will just say that neither one of us handled it well.  And, if I had not detailed why all the attacks she made over the phone were bullshit, perhaps she wouldn't be so upset now.  Maybe.
But, since she never addressed the real issue; it doesn't matter.  (I can't help her now, and she's fucked).
She is SO fucked.  (she and her roommate are being dispossesed  by a mold remediation in their unit; while the Covid shitstorm is still in progress.  Since one is 69 and the other 76... it's not like they don't have valid concerns.
But, I can't move shit for them, host them (or their pets)... I certainly don't want to make them sick (and die or suffer from the crud --- IFF I have it). 
Yay.
I need another TShirt -- "I see Morons.  Trouble is, there's one in the mirror as well".

And a shout out to the Donald, a bigger waste of ambulatory protein on the planet I have never seen.

B* homeless and crazy (Lost Angeles)

An open lettre to a gal who doesn't get it.

1. I cannot host you.  (Covid-19).
2. A "night" would extend, I already know this... because you don't have any prospects.  And the last time,  you did not keep your word regarding:
  a. you did not pay rent as requested.
b. you did not help with chores are requested.
c. you borrowed additional funds from myself, P* and K*... and then chose to not repay those.
3. You managed to lose your car (probably a parking ticket / street sweeper action --- I have gotten ticketed), and could not come up with the money to retrieve it.
4. You also lost your room, and without any other information I have to assume that you missed a rent payment...
5. You have priors (see 2,3,4) with being dysfunctional with money, and even with a stipend from the State, you still managed to screw yourself up.That may be a function of your disability, and I recognize that.  It however also may be a result of substance abuse.
It is alleged (of course by J*) that you are using drugs.
You have denied it multiple times, but I also remember you failing a drug test.  I also remember you giving all sorts of excuses as to why you didn't go when you were supposed to , et al.
I am not a drug - rehabilitation center, have no skills in that area and cannot and will not take responsibility for your welfare... and put myself and others in jeopardy.
6. And, I have a rather hostile reaction to you at this time.  (I want to smack the shit out of you).

To your credit, you never EVER attacked me, stabbed me, stole my car...  but you *ARE* a definite risk.

7. Requirements for me even talking to you:
(a) You would have to make good on all debt.
(b) you would have to sign over payments from the state etcetera, and I would give you an allowance out of that WHICH I WOULD MONITOR to cover rent, food, clothing, for any time that you were under my supervision.  Failure not an option.
(c) regular surprise drug tests, audits etcetera required.

See, it's not worth it.

That makes you a bad risk.

It's too bad... you are very sweet when you have your way...

Work, perchance? 2/22/16

(( these are being republished, they're out of order.  Somehow, the database got corrupted and unpublished a bunch of my posts -- this one's 2/22/16))

So, one of my consulting gigs asked me to correlate his courseware to the relevant industry certifications.

It turns out, that is a larger job than I anticipated.  In fact, it's daunting.  This is kinda  a short review, mostly to organize my thoughts.

Basic Cyber (Security) ---  is a get-your-feet wet kind of experience where the student opens the can of worms for the first time and is confronted with the challenges therein.
E.g. :
1. Basics (what is a cyber attack, what is risk management, and what is the commonly used principle used to identify control of information)....
2. Monitoring (detection, responses)...
3. How do you Improve security (patches)
4. How to monitor network traffic  (tools, analysis, modeling).
5. Attack Indicators (how do you know)
6. What is a penetration test (and how do you do it)
7. Forensics (the patient died, what went wrong)
8. Security Lifecycle (yet to be described)...

Advanced Cyber (Security)
1. Penetration Testing Intro
2. Scoping / Pre Engagement
3. Reconnassance
4. Scanning the target
5. Target Exploitation
6. Password attacks
7. Wireless and Web exploitation
8. Social Media
9. Post Exploration (what to do with it)
10. Malware (Malicious Files, backdoors and rootkits and tools)

Latuda. only $1469.00 copay at Rite-aid. 2/22/14

(( these are being republished, they're out of order.  Somehow, the database got corrupted and unpublished a bunch of my posts -- this one's 2/22/14))

IT's been a while.  Where to start.
Well, first.... apparently Latuda is the correct drug of choice to level her out.
It's not a perfect world; but it's so much better than before that I cannot even compare the two.

She's still going to have issues, everyone does.

But....

the truly psychotic behaviour has been stopped.

At least...

What's love got to do with it? 11/7/11

(( these are being republished, they're out of order.  Somehow, the database got corrupted and unpublished a bunch of my posts -- this one's 11/7/11))

what's love got to do with it? (West SFV)

Need a roomate (to pay bills), a discount for the *right* person. Neither a sponge nor a sugar* be, just a person interested in more.

Love the idea of a sex-fiend (not); but reasonable human possibly. If logical analysis deems closer study, then physical inspection be required possibly. An image, certified or a coffee-induced meet in a public place. Perhaps.
If the turning test fails; then the missive dumped with all due haste will be. (If you're that fucking stupid -- I can down your server, mizzy webcam)
If I wanted to pay for a rusty trombone; I know where and when.

Must like cats; I have a couple. How you behave toward cats here below determines your status in Heaven.

"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects. "

points for knowing the rest of them.

<

Movies... and hope 7/20/11

7/20/11

I figured out that I wanted to see the  new Harry Potter.  But, to do that... I have to see the last two.  Otherwise, it won't feel right.  Dammit.  Now I have to scare up olde dvd rentals.

(It's not available online from NetFlix apparently)

And yet... 1/23/11

(( these are being republished, they're out of order.  Somehow, the database got corrupted and unpublished a bunch of my posts -- this one's 1/23/11))

And my ability to land jobs where they don't actually pay is apparently still in force.

Round 1: Now, iTek****; where the promises are long and the checks... are non-existent.

Really good air, though.  Just all not real and as usual; that means I don't get PAID.

Round 2: So two of my roommates are having issues and now I have to troll for new ones.

One has anger-management problems; and she screams at everybody for everything; and it's all I can do to not react.  She doesn't even have a rental agreement or a lease; because she's a sublet of the other roommate.  "And she's not going to move until she's good and ready"...   when alcohol fueled, she's a terror...
I've got to get better background checks.  OR at least use them.  She even screams at the downstairs guy, who's about as non-confrontational as you can get.  I'm used to getting screamed at; it goes with the territory.

And she's a slob..  and I'm big on not letting dishes and suchlike accumulate in the rooms; because no-one else can use the stuff while you're not cleaning it...  she doesn't get it.  Reminds me of my first roommates; who used to have contests to see who could stand the filth in the kitchen (I'm not cleaning it up... you clean it up)...  BORING...

The other roommate, not wanting to deal with the attendant bullshit; has decided to move.  To Hollywood, where she can be closer to *school* and the area she really wants to be in ( she doesn't have a car).  "but you don't mind if I don't pay last month, and just use up my security deposit?... right?"  --- Security deposit is supposed to be for cleaning and replacement of broken fixtures, and we're already on the hook for a replaced toilet and green spray paint (wtf?) on the walls.

Neither one gets it.  I'm not keeping the anger-chick because she can't afford the room (imagine that), and the other one is Casper -- on her way to Hollywood. And she's not changing her mind AFAIK,

Pity.  If ...
Yay.

Now I need to find new roommates.

wow, and the wheel turns 10/16/10

(( these are being republished, they're out of order.  Somehow, the database got corrupted and unpublished a bunch of my posts -- this one's 10/16/10))

Now I'm confused. No, I am pretty sure. But that would be making an assumption.

I'm good at that. I think I just got dumped, or perhaps not. Only time will tell.

Feelings of inadequacy rise and are suppressed. What the hell; soon enough I will know.

For tonight, I'm indoors and it might rain.

Another passing 03/01/2010 and 05/23/2010

(( these are being republished, they're out of order.  Somehow, the database got corrupted and unpublished a bunch of my posts -- this one's between 03/01 and 05/23/2010))

the husband of a friend has gone on ahead.

comfort sorely lacking; I don't have the words.

And now... -- 06/11/2010

(( these are being republished, they're out of order.  Somehow, the database got corrupted and unpublished a bunch of my posts -- this one's 06/11/2010))

Guess I'll see what happens day by day. If I step out of line; she's gone.

If she steps out of line... I'm gone. Oh wait, I live here...

problem.

Wow... a month... what a difference... 05/23/2010

(( these are being republished, they're out of order.  Somehow, the database got corrupted and unpublished a bunch of my posts -- this one's 05/23/2010))

I don't even know where to begin.

Firstly, I now have roommates...

My gf moved in about two weeks ago; and that's been EXTREMELY hectic. Among other things, we had to get her out of her existing apartment; and coordinate what stuff to keep, what to sell, and what to donate. So, she had two/three weekends of garage sale, plus CraigsList adverts, and did unload a lot of stuff. (She also disposed of things of mine which I also wanted gone)...

Including helping me organise and get tranferred my ex's stuff (fiance from 4 years ago) out of my garage and basement. That was a interesting project (and there's still more!) Ex, didn't mind much except she had a real problem with my timing... but I've been warning her for about 6 months, so she shouldn't have used profanity on me... !@@#)(@#!~ But, because she's still a valued friend (even if she doesn't think so); I just gave her some room to vent and then continued asking for her cooperation.

So, about 10 cu ft plus of stuff... gone.

Then, started moving my basement lab into the garage (to clear space), and then my downstairs office into the basement (and yes, here in CALI we do occasionally have basements, so don't ping me on it)... Pictures of before will be attached. Soon. Real SOON now...

So, we cleared the downstairs room, put my living room futon / couch in it; and rented it to a CSUN kid... (adult, but compared to (us)... GRIN)... He's quiet. VERY quiet... and about 6'2" or 6'3" of kid... still in pizza mode; but that works.

ooo

Now I just have to reorganise my office down here; (it's still mostly theoretical), but I have computers up again... and my desk. Can't work tech, but still...

I wouldn't have done it. Period. (and it was my idea).

But...

March 1, 2020 - belated post series

It's funny.  I started to write posts, but was so caught up in the moment of the COVID-19 news, that I just didn't finish writing anything.

Recapping, We started to hear about Wuhan China apparently circa November 2019 to the intelligence community (not to be confused with Donald, he shows zero signs).  The report was apparently secret and not generally disseminated, so at that point... no one outside knew.
(See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timeline_of_the_2019%E2%80%9320_coronavirus_pandemic_from_November_2019_to_January_2020 )

I was doing training session support at a location near a Navy base, and it was the week of training for a LOT of these folk, the hotel was fully booked.  No-one had COVID on their mind then.

A few days after I packed up the classroom equipment and brought it back... the news started telling about a problem in Wuhan. 

Sometime after that, I got a cold.  Paranoia.  But, I don't match the symptoms (no fever, no cough), just feel like shit.  My roommate, who is the archetypal idiot... has been insisting on going shopping and not taking precautions during this entire time.  The other roommate isn't even present most of the time (hardly ever see him); and a week goes by.

I message my doctor and get the same news that the screening application online gives me, that I'm not considered a candidate for testing yet, and wait.

Off and on for the last few weeks, I have been carrying this "cold" around with me and practicing all the appropriate measures (social distancing, mask, hand washing)...  but one of my roommates has not.

However, as we learn more; it is important to note that I may or may not have the virus.  Without a valid test (which are 25% inaccurate as of this date), I cannot tell.  So, I'm either a hypochondriac, paranoid or actually sick... and it's anyone's guess at this point.

Meanywhile, one of my well-meaning but right-wing to the point of stupid friends proposed that we all give blood to get tested.  Fun fact, idiots did this during the AIDS epidemic, and the blood was not tested then. 
It is NOT tested now for CORONA-19 so you do two things wrong by donating if you think you are sick. 
1. You potentially spread the disease to someone who needed blood, and make their condition worse. 
2. You don't get any information about your own condition... blood donations don't generally work like that.

Duoh.

I'm still sitting here at home almost 24x7x31 and talk/email/facebook/teleconference like everyone else.   But....  I am trying to not make the situation worse.  Whether or not I actually have COVID-19 or not.

Don't get me started on the asshole-in-chief.

I shot the damn Arrow...

So, Thursday I went to Burbank Airport to pick up a rental vehicle.
Job required, needed the large POS to transport all the crap from the CISCO class in Port Hueneme.

Burbank Airport, Google and Siri all conspired to really f*** things up.

1. Looking for the Alamo Rental at Burbank, Both Siri and Google tell me that it's at a particular address.
No obvious signage.  At least, not the two times I circled the damn airport.  Can't call the office, they're closed.

2. Then, figured out parking (behind the Starbucks...)  and both tell me to walk East to the street.  No can do, there's fencing there.  Walk back around and over... and no signage for the rental (I'm on the boulevard at this point)...

3. Ask some  random guy for help, he says the entrance is in back... ( kinda where I started).
Walk all the way around to the back again.

4. It's upstairs (btw), and there is a line.  They don't want to take my card because it's a corporate card, so I have to show them a business card.  Ok, that makes it ok with the supervisor.  It DOUBLES the cost when you use their insurance...

5. Then, outside and get the vehicle.  Big-Really-Big Nissan SUV.
Drive around (Mr Toad's Wild ride -- -no kidding, it's Interesting - --) and wait at the exit to be checked out by the airport parking guy.  Then, more steep  and scary and down the ramp at about a 45 degree angle.

Biggest SUV I've ever driven.  (Feels like a kitchen stool married the Queen Mary).

Anger -- why are you still mad?

So, in the continuing tradition of "mea culpa" -- what was I thinking?...

There exists a few folk (girlfriend and a former roommate), who apparently (no - S#**t) harbor more than a little animosity toward me.  Some deservedly, of course... I'm not a saint nor am I teflon; and yet some ...

So, I fwded a picture of mail that I received from someone  who moved out suddenly some time ago (we were apparently having more difficulties than I thought)
and the classic "when the ship lifts, all debts are paid" applied.

I thought that after all that time... we had parted on relatively good terms.  Not so, apparently.  She blew up for informing her about some official looking mail...  So I will just mark all future as "return to sender", which is what I had been doing.

So, for anyone who resembles the above; my apologies. 

I figure whatever issues you still carry are not my problem; and the best part...
I get to keep my stomach lining and I like my stomach lining.

peace.