Alas, the new year approaches and...

I must be going. It is with mixed emotion; I've spent the last week with my sister, my mom and various friends of my sister's circle. She's well regarded and loved; which is one trademark of our family that I share a portion thereof. More specificially I have friends...

There is no better feeling (emotional) than that bond with siblings and relatives when properly nourished over a lifetime. At least, if one is fortunate enough to have the requisite good memories required. (There are those... who unfortunately miss out on this; for one reason or another).

So I will leave Jocelyn, Mom, Molly, Bodie, Sadie and Elliot to their New Years planning and festivities; and return to that center of self-awareness and sometime loathing that the general populace calls Los Angeles.

So be it...

Begins anew a new year. Maybe I will get a job?

One can hope.

May your holiday and New Year be bright and of positive note. may ALL of your memories be worth remembering, retelling and savoring later.

(so I'm an optimist... or is that a pessimist?)

Happy New Year to one and all.

It is a wonderful life...

Just got finished watching James Stewart and Donna Reed with my family. Mom, mom's friend..., my sister Jocelyn, her friend Susie... and sister's three dogs. (A Christmas time tradition)...

I am once again reminded how rich our life is; even when everything is crashing down.

I hope I can keep that thought in the coming days.

perhaps.

School is out...happy Holidays

Hmm... an entire month without posts. Must be a sign...

Finished CSUN finals; turned in all projects (except the one that the other guys are still working on); and getting ready to visit my Sister in Portland, OR.

Now, just got to find work...

Credit Cards --- Get your deal here... RIGHT! (bs)

So I get this call from "Jennifer James" of Citibank/Platinum Card "Protection". They want to send me a "package" to review (which by the way means I have to sign up for!) that will only cost me $0.85 per month of $100 of balance. -0- I decline (I can actually do the math) and she gets really indignant... "why wouldn't I want to have "Protection".

what do I want to be when I grow up?

In school, struggling to keep myself well above "average" and having a interesting time competing; because the kids, they really are smart... and I'm feeling my age.

But, the bigger question, is how the hell do I pay for this adventure? It's not like I'm made of money, and rescuing cats and damsels in distress has taken all the starch out of my sails; more to the point, non-payment of funds has really screwed the situation. The worst part; I knew it going in... and did the damm thing anyway.

Mea culpa.

So now what...

I'm either unemployable (judging from my recent track record) but make a good consultant; except no-one is hiring... or I'm even worse as a consultant/marketeer than I am as an employee? It's a depressing concept.

I don't think so, but other opinions may matter. As I said... there's evidence.

But, between the various folk of good intent (but lousy financial responsibility); and the economy...

I'm feeling very Wile E. Coyote right now... just about the time the lonnng whistle down starts.

Midterms... (at my age?)

So, I can only report on one of the three midterms so far.

In the computer languages class I got all the points possible on the homework and on the mid-term; then the professor informs me that according to the CSUN roster, I'm not enrolled in the class! (WTF?)

It turns out, that when our darling legislature and the CSUN administrators (regents?) added the last fee hike after registration; they included a proviso somewheres that was supposed to say "you cannot register for classes in the new semester (next) until you have paid the fee increase", which makes sense. But they also said that you have until the end of the semester.

It doesn't work like that. What they did instead... is say "you get yanked from a class at random, if you haven't paid yet." Lovely. So now I am not enrolled in the class that I have my highest grades in...

I don't (yet) know about Computer Languages or Advanced Algorythms...

wall

Against a wall I feel anger
Against this wall I feel pain
against this wall I feel impotent
against this wall I trapped, am

Friday night revisited...

SO I went down to the local pub (McGs) and it's all different. They have tables setup as for a real resturant, (because of the beer+food thing last night); and it looks really odd.

I finished my midterms, and the less said the better. I will however state that the month of non-study I encountered with the slightly nutso temp roommate didn't do me any favors. Let alone a money issue. But, lest I whine too much, back to the bar.

I threw about half an hour's worth of darts, to the Extended-Super-Long Remix version of In-a-Gadda-Da-Vida... which was playing when I started, and was just finishing when I left; one beer later.

Who says art doesn't have hubris?

life

Keith Olbermann on Health Reform...

From http://politicalirony.com/ and MSNBC...

Health Reform gets Personal

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Keith Olbermann has been absent from his show, taking care of his ailing father and having an unplanned first-hand experience with the US health care system. This is a long video — he dedicated his entire show to this special comment — but it is worth watching. Olbermann outlines the depth of how broken our system for paying for health care really is, and what we can do about it:

Olbermann has two concrete suggestions: one is to stop calling it the “public option” and start calling it “Medicare for everyone” (although he admits it may be too late to change that). The second is to help organize and fund free health care clinics in the home cities of the key Senators working on health reform. The National Association of Free Clinics already had a free clinic in Houston that served 1500 people.

Pecking away...

Proof that I'm not as quick as I used to be... I'm still pecking away at my studies.

You'd think it would get easier.

A combination of language, programming and theory... and I'm burnt.

written for a friend...

form follows function; full wisdom lies. That which we believe in, tricks us; traps us, binds.
Those who believe blindly, lead/follow down a path.
Those who reason carefully, often mistep that
I merely exist, and sometimes lend a hand
I'm just one person, and often do not understand.
But hopeful heart and good spirit count
though not so much as then
I do what I can and what I must
to rest my spirit, then
To lie my head, to rest my bones
to look back on worke well done
I hope one day to see it through
and know the job is done.
But now I rest for weary am
but hopeful that the torch
passes on for now to others who
will struggle, persevere and yet
I miss the battle, the hill not one^H^h^hwon
but not so much to fear
that you and they will drop the load
that once we did share.
I close I sleep (perchance to dream?)
I wish you well it seems
And all in all I give to those
deserving of
good dreams.
2009.efb

Depression = Guilt = Fear

Fear is the mind killer.

So sayeth Frank Herbert, in Dune.

He's right.

When you don't know which way is *out*; and the pressure is on to find a way... then you feel stress. That stress, the realization that you are in *danger*, creates fear.

It also makes you depressed. (or at least, it can... and for me it does).

Can't say I enjoy it.

accentuate the POSITIVE!, but plan ahead

The difference between an optimist and a pessimist can get you killed.

I'm a pessimist by policy; but having a conscience and compassion, can hurt me.

Optimists can be like grifters, TANSTAAFL applies. Check your wallet.

The difference(s) between optimists and pessimists can lead to all sorts of things:

a) Extremism, both left-hand and right. (You're both unreasonable)

b) Anger, which causes childish behaviour.

c) Major Stupidity, the current financial crisis.

Since, I'm not going to be an extreme-ist...

I have four cats, a roof over my head (at least for now), and am taking classes at the local state university. That might... even make it so I can find work...

G*d, you listening?

Focus on the bigger picture...

An article (just before I drop)... that caught my attention.

You should read it, especially if you're in the entertainment industry, or have kids.

In fact, especially if you aren't / don't.

Think about it.

STEVE LOPEZ

Polanski's defenders lose sight of the true victim
http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-lopez30-2009sep30,0,1671827,full.column

Another day's energy uselessly spent...Requiem (I hope)

Funny. I miss talking to my "friend", but not enough to risk communications with her. I feel guilty that I had to chase her out; and yet... it wasn't even remotely possible to continue having her as a guest... wtf? Why should I feel anything but relief? At least now the nightmares will fade... (my brain plays a lot of "what-if" daydream sequences when I'm dropping off, and just before I wake up)... and these were unpleasant.

But, I need to find my *focus* so that I can do the coursework. Otherwise, the effect will be greatly magnified by killing a semester to the tune of ... thanks Calif ... say $3000. or so? (I have to check, kinda lost track in all the flurry of disasters)...

Another day's energy uselessly spent...Part Quince...

You've got to be kidding.

After all the drama, the police, the Social Workers (Adult Protective Services); my erstwhile "friend" has now found herself stuck at the Santa Barbara Train station with all her baggage and the poor suffering animals; who deserve better. And... calling me at almost 11 at night; like I'm a 24hour charity or something. I'd call the SPCA or the ASPCA to at least help her out... but that's a pretty big leap. I'd call APS, and have them sort this mess, but they went home right after shipping her off on the train. (It took two cops, one social worker, and about 3 hours)...

What did she think was going to happen?

So, I called the local PD, and asked them to look in on her, and see if they can get her to shelter; her and her pets. I'm sure she'll blow at me again, but so be it. At least, she won't be dead, and the animals might actually get cared for (something she thinks she's doing)... And if she doesn't let me study (which means leaving me alone and not calling) I just might get her committed myself.

Another day's energy uselessly spent...Part Quatro

My latin is rusty, but my heart is pure... (armor's rusty too)

Yea right. I'm too old for this crap. I lost another ENTIRE study day. I have no me left.

Once again, I'm out $$$ I don't have; and don't appreciate having to absorb. It was much easier in the 60's, "grass, gas, or ass...". And I'm only half-way kidding. Exit stage (what) right/left/upside down? most current person-I'm-trying-to-help. Cops in supervision. (I feel sorry for them, crappy deal all around). I'm just not equipped for this; and am hanging up my damm armor. Period. The next one better have a checkbook that contains cash(e) money; or at least the ability to buy his/her own groceries.

I can feel sorry for animals. They don't have a voice. People, though... ought to know better. If mentally ill, either they check their tinfoil hats at the door, or they go to the proper authorities.

But, "he said: You can save only one..." I asked "why". The reply: "Because any more and you drown, too."

But why can it be only one...

Sunrise, sunset...

In Memoriam; Maharet. (1994 - September 23, 2009)

Mekare and Maharet were sisters, two cats of the ragdoll form.
Today, my ex- had to say goodbye to Maharet, who lived for 15 years...

Maharet liked to sleep on your hand when you lay down, she was very vocal and inquisitive. When you talked to her, she'd respond. When I would go around the condo, she would follow me around like a puppy. I've not seen her in a couple years, but somehow I still feel the loss.

K: I'm sorry. Maharet: you will be missed.

I didn't get to say goodbye until afterwards, and didnt' get to say anything to my ex at all...

Another day's energy uselessly spent...Part Tres

Well, I've determined that my friend cannot live here. There are just too many barriers and roadblocks.

She's a worthy member of the human race, et al, but her outlook on the universe and lifestyle... isn't mine. Damm. Would have been nice to have a paying roommate, too. ('course, she'd actually have to pay, also)... lots of air-promises; and I've been down that road with about 4 others. (I"m a slow learner).

If she's not willing to help herself or let people help her; whatever she thinks is actually going on... then she's a threat. The world doesn't revolve around me, but my personal survival depends on me staying focussed on it; and I'm definitely not equipped for this.

(she said I should advertise for a cat-rescue person as a roommate).

Hmm...

Another day's energy uselessly spent...Part Deux

So, once again into the breech.

I've got this friend; (well I do!)! She's somewhat off-kilter (docs screwing with her medication?)... so she goes from lucid to frenetic to ANGRY and the spin cycle is amazingly fast... but she's still trying to keep it together. I don't know that I'd have that much _presence_of_mind_ to handle that challenge.

Imagine KNOWING that you're not right; but cannot get past it and yet watch it happen. That's how I envision it; because I've never been there, never lived in the dark side. But, I've known her forever... (not well, but since we were both 13 or so...?) and she was one of my sister's friends.

I yanked her from a substandard living accomodation; which because of her disability and lack of $$$ resources, was completely unable to extricate herself from. (Not bragging... doing it was a royal bitch). And if she doesn't develop the means to pay me back shortly, it will have other unfortunate consequences.

She was living in this moldy-flea infested converted garage and between the mold, the disease, and the lack of proper support... almost completely shut in. I can't believe that (a) a landlord would rent stuff like that; and (b) that the city housing authority didn't yank her way back when. (Amazes me, but then again... California voters, Prop13 and the Arnie-versus-Democrats&Republicans... thing -- makes me want to vote with a slingshot...

But, She and her two pets (one cat, one dog) are now ensconced in my abode... and they're handling it much better than she is. But, that's expected... given the parameters going in.

She still needs to get out of the old place... and into storage. She's cleared all her clothes, but has wayyy more stuff than I could accomodate, and she's probably not a viable long-term roommate. I'm still storing stuff from the last relationship, and that's been over for 3 years. (Longer, if you go by when she wanted out). She can't/won't take her stuff; and I don't (yet) have the heart to just nuke it. Probably should, but ...

So, Now what...?

Get her meds sorted; get her life back; and with luck... she can go back to being a happy productive member of society... which is what she wants more than anything. Well, excepting her landlord in the pillory, perhaps...

And I have to go back to getting ready for a test tomorrow (I'm in school, since I can't seem to find work..) let's see if I can recoupe a weeks worth of study time in two days. or less...
wish me luck. (and her)

Goodnight Patrick...

you will be missed. Souls that stay true to their calling are still treasured.

I never had the grace... but appreciated the bar set high.

the pendulum swings

Somehow, despite the successes; it is the failures that haunt.

Again: Ghosts are the memories of past regrets. (I wish I could properly attribute that quote).

Like Sisyphus, the rock that I cannot roll; this burden unlifted.

It is easier if you cannot see, cannot hear, do not speak. To cover the eyes, stop up the ears, and stuff the mouth with cloth.

I hear the bell tolling.

Another day's energy uselessly spent...

So, I had a birthday. As you can tell, I'm less than thrilled... but I don't get a pass.

Spent the day in lecture; and the evening trying to (a) make a rib dinner for myself (what the hell) and (b) write some skeleton code for a project. Coming up to speed on a new IDE at the same time.

And... one of my friends seems to be mad at me. No surprises there; I seem to have a knack for it. However, Honest... I didn't do anything. Or at least, I don't think I did...

Well, tomorrow is another day.

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Happy Friggin' birthday.

Now I'm ... 53.

Mid-life crisis; what mid-life crisis? Get in line, first I gotta eat.

My hair's thinning on top, I'm short of breath; one of my cats requires regular tending (more than usual), a childhood friend is in a real pickle, and I really really need to get rid of my current roommate (a friend of many many years). It just isn't working...

But hey, There's Obama-care... are marketed by the extremely liberal LEFT and protested by the extremely conservative RIGHT. But, what the hell...

maybe the screw holding my ass on will snap... it would go with the last couple weeks.

for Pippi, for Molly, For Saido and Baby

Sometimes I lie quietly still, as my cats greet

and tell me about the new day

Not all friends require words, might they just

want to cuddle and to play?

I have to share...

http://www.hulu.com/watch/91100/les-paul---chasing-sound

Art.

Panic... or resignation. STILL...

This morning's headline (as if I wasn't aware of this, but it still adds to the stress):

L.A. Now -- SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA -- THIS JUST IN --

L.A. ranks near bottom among big cities for finding a job, website says

August 20, 2009 | 9:42 am

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/lanow/2009/08/job-survey.html

I even posted on CL "Will work for food"... (that didn't help either). Got some inquiries, but no serious offers. And a TON of bullshit spam. (But I knew that would happen).

IT's scary...

the unspeakable in search of the inedible

What do you do when the days are done? What do you do when you want to have fun?
How do you tell if your soul-mate exists? How would you know, what if you kissed?

Romance is not dead, not golden either. Sharing life and the riches that time only brings.
What do you do when the days are done? How would you know if you found her?

I seek gently, for fear of rejection. Most are not worthy, not needing inspection.
It's not that I'm better, than you or than you...

I know who I am; I ask... do you?

Life is worth living, or not much at all.
I don't ask for the world, wrapped in a ball.

I just want what others, seem to have and to hold.
Someone who's with me, and not bought or sold.

Holding of hands, in warm summer's night.
what do you do, at the end of the night?

I miss that long lost, seeking but not found.
It's not that complicated, really not that profound.

To have and to hold, from this day forwards.
It's how we were made, instilled in our bones.

Can you but hear me? To echo my plaint.
it's not much I'm askin' dear;

I repeat the refrain

What do you do when the days are done? What do you do when you want to have fun?
How do you tell if your soul-mate exists? How would you know, what if you kissed?

So what's a little whine... among friends...

I've suspected since he moved in; and now I know...

Turns out my roommate has relapsed. Scattered cans of head-cleaner all over his room, and he's damm near dropping them on his way in and out. And he thinks no one knows?

wonderful.

Addiction is a disease, ... repeat after me...

Maps... and Moons...

Now THIS is cool. (thanks LAT and Nasa!)

Marking 40 years since man's first walk on the moon

And so is this...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Carta_Marina.jpeg

Rockets and Engineers (LAT)

A beautiful story... if you are an engineer!

http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-sci-apollo19-2009jul19,0,2826358,full.story

Good Night Mr Cronkite

Another icon has passed, and the world is poorer for it. I grew up listening to Walter Cronkite, his reasurring voice on the evening news. My family, especially my mother and father... tuned in to hear how the world fared, and trusted in his portrayal. He set a bar high and rarely reached; I miss that age.

Cronkite: And that's the way it was

LATimes Article By Robert Lloyd

APPRECIATION: When CBS anchorman Walter Cronkite spoke, it was with a thoughtfulness that today's 24-hour news cycle does not encourage.

OBITUARY: 'Most trusted man in America'

on the Fourth of July

Getting into the mindset for the Fourth. Not sure exactly how it will play out, but friends in Irvine are throwing a party...

Here's hoping for a safe and patriotic holiday. May we not see ugliness and discord; may we all be proud to be Americans.

Pippi

[update: next afternoon] I just got back from the vet with Pippi for her twice weekly fluids and appetitite stimulant, plus a exam and bloodwork this time; she’s underweight (because of bowel irritation problems). So, she gets whatever she wants to eat… The question isn’t how can you… but how can you not?... and somehow so far, I’ve been able to manage. Barely.

My office is too warm

Today was hot. I’m still recovering. Hope, and cynicism go hand in hand as we get older and cherish remember’d hurts. I am not so much old, as I fart dust…

One of the things I took away from a re-examination of my parent’s life(s) was that you don’t just *suddenly* get old; it creeps in like a fog on little cat feet. (deliberate simile). I do spend entirely too much time resembling “grumpy old men”, but I do try to break out on occasion. Hope springs eternal?

But it would be nice to have a job. (gig, whatever)...

Anyone?

Pippi...

Pip is still here. (one of my cats). Still purring, crapping (unfortunately inappropriately) and eating a little. And she's getting bored with tuna, chicken, liver and steak. (Given up completly on Friskies canned). But she's still here.

Requiem Michael, Farrah...

And yet, two views:

UNDER the wide and starry sky,

Dig the grave and let me lie.

Glad did I live and gladly die,

And I laid me down with a will.

This be the verse you grave for me:

Here he lies where he longed to be;

Home is the sailor, home from sea,

And the hunter home from the hill.

-- Lord Alfred Tennyson

Do not go gentle into that good night,

Old age should burn and rave at close of day;

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,

Because their words had forked no lightning they

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright

Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,

And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight

Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,

Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

-- Dylan Thomas

May you rest but be remembered; for that good which was done.

I program because I lost track of time... first UCSD course

Why did you try programming?

Discussion - Post 34 of 202

I program because I lost track of time... first UCSD course
I thought I was going to be an astronaut. (seriously). I was taking the pre-physics curriculum and one requirement was to take a computer science class.

I'd go down to the center between lectures, and would miss my next class. Then, I'd miss the rest of them. And I would have to sprint to the cafeteria to get dinner because it was closing.

Then... just one more run... to make it work.
And the card reader !!! wouldn't read. It was VERY quiet... and I'd look around.

It was 3 am and they had just shut off access for nightly maintenance.

That was 1975.
Posted: 06/16/2009 @ 11:55 AM (PDT) (edited 06/16/2009 @ 11:55 AM (PDT))

AEdmundE@...
Job Role: Software / Applications Development

Fear

Fear of crazies and mad dogs makes lonely crazies and lonely mad dogs and forgets especially how to play and fall in love. Crazies and mad dogs are very good because you don’t get it good until you lose it good.

–Michael Bridge 1973 (on a hallmark card, of all things)

Squirrels and the dashboard...

So, I got my notice that I'm accepted back in school (after 30 plus years).
I've been at the local JC some of that time, but haven't hit the university (gasp) in a long time...

Scary.

?Paying for it, or taking the classes?

Both.

Tomorrow I see an advisor, if'n I get my stuff together.

maybe...

My sister has breast cancer..

I've spent the last week trying to figure out how I feel about this. My baby sister is suddenly a member of a depressingly large number of the population who have breast cancer. The good news might be that it was caught in time, I'll hear more later...

She's supposed to outlast me. It is in the rules.

Spammers need remedial english

Winners of this week's Moron of the Moment club award?

The're getting more creative...

------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Leonard Sinelli
Sent: Monday, May 25, 2009 4:41 PM
To: pers----@craigslist.org
Subject: Subject

Categories: Spam

Hello Baby.. For my safety i wont meet guys unless you message me at my profile Make me feel better and safe and verify @ my profile page. The craigs list stuff on the news made me think about just dating who ever. I hope you can understand what I mean. So I only hook up with guys now that verify. The fun is the same, but this is real safe for both of us.. BullshitLInk .com

------------------------------------------------------------------

From: EVAN GILBERT
Sent: Friday, February 20, 2009 3:24 AM
To: pers----@craigslist.org
Subject: rinse and repeat, Life partner sought by (grumpy) - 52 (Locale:
West SFV)

Hey cuteness , My name is Amy?, I am 33 years old and
kinda drunk. I noticed your posting So I figured I would say hi
Hit me back Id meet for coffee maybe

> ----------
>
> I AM NOT INTERESTED IN A WEBCAM DATE, YOUR AIM NUMBER OR TO JOIN "FLING",
> ETCETERA. If I wanted to pay a
> girl to have sex, show me her coke bottle holding abilities, or pix, then I
> would be looking there, now
> wouldn't l? Ditto for "roses", "tulips" (wtf?), or various herbal essences
> of stupid.
>
>
> IS that too much to ask?
>
> probably.

------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Sara Jameson
Date: Sat, 23 May 2009 19:01:49 -0700
To: Sara Jameson
Subject: :)

well hello :) was yoru post real? Im thinking it was legit lol.. so I
thought I would say hi :) Im 24 single fun cute and cuddly.. i can
send u my pic if u do the same..

------------------------------------------------------------------
From: J Love
Date: Sat, 23 May 2009 19:01:25 -0700
To: J Love
Subject: ...

howdie! was the ad I read on C.L. legitimate? I'm guessing it was
real? I found it today so Im just responding! Im 24 single fun cute
and cuddly.. care to exchange PIX?

------------------------------------------------------------------
From: edette.balderas
To: ---
Subject: Re: RE: RE:
Date: Sat, 23 May 2009 12:36:03 -0700

If you want to check out my pics you can see them at BULLSHIT Link if you like what you see just give me your number and maybe we can hookup. oh yea my login is girlette99 and send me your number if your interested.

*** Url leads to a script that loops unless you happen to be in Internet Explorer ***

You end up at losangelescity.adultdatelink.com/(some random url)
owned by
Pay Tech 11 Church Road Great Bookham, Surrey KT23 3PB
and
Maasstraat 23 IJmuiden,1972 ZA NL

they must pay for referrals...
------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Sat, 23 May 2009 18:11:32 +0300
Subject: Re: over 40 and under 50 - m4w (West SFV)
From: Farah Firestone
To: pers----@craigslist.org


Hey, how you doing there? I'm Farah and a definite angel that would
love to get to know you better.

Well this is my first time living away from home and I am going to
make the most of it. I'm going to college at University of Southern
Cali and you might say I am a bit of a nympho but maybe you might like
to find out for yourself.I am definitely an outdoors girl and love
going to places like Beverly Hills or to Griffith Park to get some
fresh air and socialise with all my friends.

I keep my body so slender and flexible by keeping active and enjoy
going for a run around Griffith Park and going to day spas in Beverly
Hills area to get pampered and look hot for my man.I have a very high
libido and need a guy who is the same, he has to be active and enjoy
getting outdoors, checking out places like the contemporary arts
museum and then going to places like Avalon at night.

Well if you want to get to know me better, maybe you might want to see
me on webcam? My cam works on yahoo and AIM just message me at either
on Yahoo or on AIM :-)

Anyway let's work out how we can get together if you are interested,
get in touch by coming to my webcam and let's have some fun.

Farah.
------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------

Friendship

Happy Mother's day.

spiral

I’m definitely in a uncomfortable place; mood & emotions oscillating like crazy.
Mostly money issues; but not having a girlfriend or social life also enter into it.
Tried to explain to roommate Jeff that he needs to find a place to live; because this condo may be going away. (scary thought). I’ve had two hits on job posting responses, but still no one has offered me a gig. The job fair turned up nada …

“ Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln; how was the show?”…

It’s a good thing that I don’t have the big-red-button.

I think the cats are keeping me alive and sane. (but not by much).

Introspection, Sunday

Self-worth is one of those intangibles that we rely on to keep us on course. There have been times (recently) when the only thing keeping me going was the question of who would take care of my cats. Fortunately, the feeling can be observed from the outside (I know when I’m having crazy thoughts), but it doesn’t make it easier to deal. (And I can’t drink it away… the tipsy point is also the point where I know I feel miserable; so I don’t). But, D pointed out that I’m still carrying a really large anger-grudge re former gf1 and 2. (Feel cheated), but letting that go seems to be very difficult.

IT isn't always a spammer...

So I get a message from some random extremely cute gal on facebook; and I'm wondering who she is... (because I don't recognise her name or picture). Turns out she's the daughter (24y.o.) of a neighbor of mine when I was growing up!

weird world. Very cool; but weird...

domains and registrars (rant)

And my Domain is back! (yay).

IT just took 5 days.

domains and registrars (rant)

I’m transferring my domain, because the email server/web server for it (hosted by my ex-), is having issues.

The minor fact that I have this email account and web presence linked to all my online bill-pay, contracting and job search… just makes it more important that this go smoothly. Besides, my domain registry is expiring, and I don’t want to pay for another year and have it still hosted… where I can’t control it.

To transfer my domain, I needed the Admin account to point to a valid email account. It turns out that having it point to Admin@... doesn’t work so well, because (a) the account is on the server mentioned; and (b) she turned all of the other accounts off because of the volume of spam that was coming through. (by my request, but years ago).

I also needed to unlock the domain.

Both of these require access to the domain console at tucows, which I’ve never used.

I ask for her help.

A couple days go by…

OK, now the domain admin account points to a real email address, and the domain is unlocked. Yay… I think.

So, I go back to the receiving registrar, resend the confirmation emails that are necessary to make this work; and discover that … after pasting the responses back into the forms…

The domain is now expired.

So, I call my ex- and ask her to make the domain current, so that I can transfer it.

She calls back, tells me that she cannot, because the domain is “in transfer”…

But, according to the receiving registrar; the domain is awaiting authentication by the releasing registrar.

And so I wait…

Rambling thoughts, solo spinout

in the night he casts a line, for a fisherman not out for fish, more for the peace and tranquility given. On the bank, in the sun with insects buzzing, birds calling and the omnipresent sound of water. "Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it is gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." Herbert. Fear follows function, so to master my fear I face it. Everyone dies alone; and no one wants to. We connect so that we are not alone, and connecting we share the strength that we each have. For to have and have not, that really is the question. I am I shout. No one hears. I exist, I whisper. only silence responds.

And yet, there is hope...

Proof that we are more than we know.

NASA's early lunar images, in a new light

Pictures from the mid-1960s Lunar Orbiter program lay forgotten for decades. But one woman was determined to see them restored.

By John Johnson Jr.
March 22, 2009

http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-lunar22-2009mar22,0,1783495,full.story

http://www.nasa.gov/topics/moonmars/features/LOIRP/

it again giveth me hope.

Just another brick in my wall; want Fries with that?

I'm so angry at the universe, that I'm almost screaming at my roommate.

I'm up against the wall; and the extra notes just are not helping.

So some helpful folk in the back yell out "it's a reality-check"; and I really want to react. Really.

I just got a "note" from the City of Los Angeles Business tax bureau that I have a hearing; on my unpaid business taxes... well; get in line. You 've got a bit of a walk.

What am I supposed to pay LA with, when I'm not even getting enough to cover the bills?

If you are self-employed; then unemployment doesn't even cover; you haven't "paid in" so you can't get it...

and nobody is hiring for things that I know how to do.

The economy hits home and personal!

I read an article at LAT today about how the job loss ripple effect is being felt.

One layoff leads to another

By Alana Semuels | Mon, 9 Mar 2009 1:51:12 PM

A video game company lets go a writer, who then lays off his nanny, who stops...

It is definitely hitting me where I live.

What about you?

Presidential Speech tonight...

I look forward (and hopefully will remember to watch!) the speech tonight.

one to look back on; that set the standard... George Washington.

There's a Hole in the Bucket

There's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza,

There's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, a hole.

Then fix it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,

Then fix it, dear Henry, dear Henry, then fix it.

With what shall I fix it, dear Liza, dear Liza?

With what shall I fix it, dear Liza, with what?

With some straw, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,

With some straw, dear Henry, dear Henry, some straw.

The straw is too long, dear Liza, dear Liza,

The straw is too long, dear Liza, too long,

Then cut it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,

Then cut it, dear Henry, dear Henry, cut it.

With what shall I cut it, dear Liza, dear Liza?

With what shall I cut it, dear Liza, with what?

With an axe, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,

With an axe, dear Henry, dear Henry, an axe.

The axe is too dull, dear Liza, dear Liza,

The axe is too dull, dear Liza, too dull.

Then sharpen it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,

Then sharpen it, dear Henry, dear Henry, sharpen it.

With what shall I sharpen it, dear Liza, dear Liza?

With what shall I sharpen it, dear Liza, with what?

With a stone, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,

With a stone, dear Henry, dear Henry, a stone.

The stone is too dry, dear Liza, dear Liza,

The stone is too dry, dear Liza, too dry.

Then wet it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,

Then wet it, dear Henry, dear Henry, then wet it.

With what shall I wet it, dear Liza, dear Liza?

With what shall I wet it, dear Liza, with what?

With water, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,

With water, dear Henry, dear Henry, with water.

From where shall I get it, dear Liza, dear Liza?

From where shall I get it, dear Liza, from where?

From the well, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,

From the well, dear Henry, dear Henry, the well.

In what shall I get it, dear Liza, dear Liza?

In what shall I get it, dear Liza, in what?

In a bucket dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,

In a bucket dear Henry, dear Henry, in a bucket.

There's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza,

There's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, a hole.

Pithy by Robin Williams

There are times when I can just appreciate what the bright lights have done...

and share it with you.  (Robin Williams on Obama as President, November).

Friday night, lonely night, cold as hell...

It's amazing how much pain is wrapped around other people's approval. The self image we carry is validated by the folk we know and use for a measure of our self-worth.

No matter how we rationalize it, we still are at the mercy of those we deem our "superiors" and our "peers". Being alone for Valentine's day, itself isn't a big deal; but being alone and knowing that your friends would think less of you... that's the rub.

I haven't dated officially since my last GF and I broke up, at her insistance. And I cannot say that her choice was bad; for her it was apparently the right choice. I think (don't know) that she will end up marrying the other guy. Not my decision, and I don't get to give input.

But, when I look at where I myself am at this juncture; it is depressing. I am not (no longer) weepy about such things, but I am very aware of the lack of appreciation, the recognition that someone else does not think as highly of myself as I would like.

And that sucks.

We get better with time, but I don't have that much to spare. I just have to face that once again, I have been weighed in the balance... and found...

מנא ,מנא, תקל, ופרסין Mene Mene Tekel Upharsin (transilt from memory, probably screwed up).

wanting...

It's so fun to be introspective.

Another days energy spent

I figured out a good low effort pork roast recipe today. Jalepanos (sorry no tilde) and pork shoulder in a crock pot. My friends say it's good, and the cats are going nuts.

I haven't heard any good news today on the politics or job fronts. That doesn't mean that it's hopeless; but it IS discouraging. meanwhile, I'm just doing the usual things...

it's one of those days.

for a new friend

To be adored, to be known, valued for who you are. Who could ask for more?

Life like a book

opened to a page

you want to read the words

but not feel the pain

To connect and to hold

something more.

We all wish

we all hope

some fail

some don't.

music

I went to see Marc play at Molly Malone's tonight (well technically last night...).

The gig went ok, the CD has some good tunes on it; but the soundman was asleep at the switch.

And whoever was the idiot who had music LOUD in the bar proper, it was feeding thru into the performance room. (Oh well, shades of Kulaks's and the fairy tweaker ex-porno jerk who always plays bass when a performer is on next door).

Shame on you Molly Malones'!

Oh well...

I still think Marc's got the talent....

A direction for the President?

The opinion section of the LA Times today... (Yes, I know -- some of my friends will scream at me!); but still:

"The inclination with any new president is to define him by those who came before. So we graft Barack Obama's head atop the black-and-white, cigarette-puffing image of Franklin Roosevelt (as Time did), or we dress him up as George Washington (as the New Yorker did), or we expound on how similar he is to that other tall, skinny, relatively inexperienced Illinois politician, Abraham Lincoln. Some even have compared the coming pitter-patter of Sasha and Malia with our sepia-toned memories of John-John and Caroline. 

But much less has been said about another president Obama praised forcefully during the campaign. "Ronald Reagan changed the trajectory of America in a way that Richard Nixon did not, and a way that Bill Clinton did not," Obama told Nevada's Reno Gazette-Journal last January. Reagan, he explained, "tapped into what people were already feeling, which was: We want clarity, we want optimism, we want a return to that sense of dynamism and entrepreneurship that had been missing." "

o o o

"During his eight years in office, the Great Communicator often used his remarkable powers of persuasion to advance a policy agenda that was not helpful to the generation that came after him. America's massive debt to China and other nations, rampant consumerism, an unregulated Wall Street and willful ignorance about issues from climate change to energy alternatives all have roots that were planted during Reagan's 1980s."  (link to article)

Gives one furiously to think.

U.S. economy may sputter for years

Unemployment could be worse than now by the time President-elect Barack Obama's first term ends.

By Peter G. Gosselin 
January 19, 2009

Reporting from Washington -- Transfixed by the daily spectacle of dismal economic news and wild Wall Street swings, few Americans have looked up to see what a wide array of economists say lies beyond the immediate crisis.

And with good reason: The picture isn't pretty. Click for the full story

Updated:

and It just gets better...

http://blogs.wsj.com/economics/2009/01/08/first-quarter-layoffs-selection-of-job-cuts-by-major-companies/

And the Inaugural bash?

I'm usually last in line for hope.

defininition(s)

Optimist: "This is the best of all possible worlds".

Pessimist: "I'm afraid that this *IS* the best of all possible worlds".

But, there is hope.

REACH WITH OBAMA - Lisa Nemzo

Watch it. Loud.

I don't want to go here

Pippi has some form of lymphoma of an intestinal variety.

Taffy cost me incredible amounts of money, and now (being off-work) I just don't have it. Even if I did, the outcome is pretty grim; and I don't want to wish the chemo and radiation on her...

But she's such a sweet cat. At night she purrs and cuddles up on my stomach, and will stay on my legs all night long. She comes when I call her, responds vocally and with a tail-swish, and I know that she's listening.

God isn't much help; I just feel the lack of ability to do for.

I've been avoiding the bad thoughts, but am very aware of the eventual outcome. It is getting closer because she's passing blood, which is a new symptom. Mostly before, she just had some *issues* and if I kept her box clean; they were minimized. I know that she's not doing it deliberately, but having a cat that S**Ts randomly isn't much fun. It's worse because I know why; but can't fix it.

I don't know how long... but she gets as much tuna and chicken as she wants. I'll have to ask Taffy to watch for her.