I think... or at least I think I think...

which means I ponder questions that make me unhappy.  It just seems that there are more questions as I get older.
I take comfort in the small things... like my cats are finally getting enough cheese (well, actually fresh pan fried salmon in butter and oil -- it's good enough for me, so they get some).  I have work (a blessing after three years), it's finally *cold* outside (despite global warming or the immediate lack thereof tonight), and I have faith in my friends, our country and myself.  (And the Rev book said "When I talk about belief, why do you always assume I'm talking about God?")...
Soon enough I'll know...
I'm not in any hurry.

Work

of Thanksgiving...

As Thanksgiving rolls around again, I am truly grateful for my family still with me, my pets who keep me sane and my friends who argue otherwise!; the work which (however characterized) validates and nourishes me; the sanity *after* the political song and dance is done (and I'm glad we have this President. Republican friends - you'll have your chance again in 4 years). And... in spite of the memories: (my father's first obvious heart attach occurred Thanksgiving 2004, and the second on Christmas); my ex-fiance's mother who went in on Christmas Day (leaving us four days later)... I find comfort in the non-secular holiday of buying and giving... (grin) as I am lost sometimes in my thoughts and memories. I still like the music (even if I'm not of the religion). I am NOT going to Walmart, nor Target nor Toys-r-us. Black Friday can do it's worst... without me.
Be grateful for what you have, and what you do not. Appreciate each other and the small things of joy around you... and include your furries or feathered if you have them. I exist. So do you. Who cares if "no-one" is listening. We all are.
There is love.

frustration

I have this friend; and she has early detection breast cancer.  I have known her since high school, and that was a long time ago.

She is probably going to die.  Horribly.  Screaming.  Spitting and peeing blood, etcetera.  It will be awful, and she thinks that she's got it covered.

It is early enough for safe treatment, and it is a slow growing mass (at the moment), but she is going to treat it "holistically" and not with any conventional treatments.  She is convinced that the treatments will kill her; and that meditation and the power of positive thought... will prevail.

She has been paying this quack "Ayurvedic" practitioner, who has been taking her money for a long time... and she believes. Except... she's not getting enough sleep; she's not eating healthy foods; and she definitely isn't in a mindset where her powers of constructive conciousness can prevail.   In other words, she is fucking delusional.  I blame it on her long term denial of the reality of life, but there is no way I can reach her.  And I care what happens...

And, i have to accept it.

Hope once risen, then dashed.

I'm not talking about the election, dammit.  That went better than expected.
Yay.  O for another 4 years, and maybe we get out of this mess.

No, I'm upset because I've got signs that the newest acquisition of the feminine persuasion... is a work in progress; and I just hit a major fracking pothole.  I don't want and need to fix another human, and I'm definitely not sure what to do about what I just experienced.

That's life.  If it was easy... anyone could do it without fucking up.  Now I can either be judgemental, or try to help her evolve.  Either way, it's a win-lose strategy; because it's not a shrink-wrapped ready-to-consume relationship that doesn't have major baggage.  Crap.

I shouldn't be surprised.  She's definitely worth pursuing... but there are definite road-signs that there's problems with the road.

As if I was perfect?

Ghosts are the memories of Past Regrets

every so often...
something happens which elicits a gut-emotional response.
I don't plan for it; it's just there.

Back in 1990(ish); my then about-to-be wife... sang to me in a club.  She had an amazing voice; professional quality and the chops to prove it.

I remember her looking at me, singing "When you call my name, ... " by Madonna
(http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Like-A-Prayer-lyrics-Madonna/)
and everyone around me seemed to be listening.  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79fzeNUqQbQ)

She was *that* good.
Her other favorite (http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/bettemidler/windbeneathmywings.html)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9ZMDPf9hZw

we didn't last.

I did something stupid (didn't understand her needs)

She did something stupider.  (It's amazing how much talent was rolled up in one tall blond);  and...
we got divorced.

I haven't seen her since.

Times like these, I still feel like I should have done something different.

I've just met somebody interesting.  Again.

I hope I just don't screw it up.

wow...

All of a sudden, I have to change accounts to post on this blog.  Apparently Google has decided that I must join everything to everything... and I've kept this place private, so only a select few can read.  Also, it allows me to say things that I otherwise might feel compelled to edit more severely.  (Who's kidding who?  I edit EVERYTHING I write).

But... just saying... it's now harder to do what was once easy.

(next post follows)