Life, love, and depression

Any reasoning human is occasionally overwhelmed by events. Ever since my most recent relationship ended (by her choice); I've been wavering between the intellectual awareness that "this too shall pass", and the real pain that "nobody wants me". It doesn't matter how many books (self help, anger awareness, relationship skills) I read; it still hurts. And... it doesn't help at all that the economy sucks; or that many of my fellow men/women? are also without jobs. So, I'm one among many; that still doesn't help pay the bills.

Being a self-employed "consultant" means you never are unemployed; it just means that sometimes... you don't have anyone paying you to practice your skills.

Getting depressed about these two items (relationships and work) doesn't seem to be very productive; and yet, no matter how much I can view it externally (from the outside)... I cannot seem to break free from the feeling engendered, especially lack of self-worth.

I can't blame the "employer", they made a business decision; it just happens to suck for me. I cannot blame the ex-girlfriend, she has to operate in the framework of her needs and those of her daughter. But, it doesn't make it easier to accept; it just makes it harder to remove it from myself... as "Something I did"...

And maybe, perhaps...

I did.

I'm still reading "Learned Optimism", when I can focus myself enough to grind through it. Not because it's a bad read; but because I feel guilty taking the time...

In the meantime, It's the holidays; and I'm feeling very scrooge-like.

I've said before this quote "Ghosts are the memories of past regrets.", and I'm haunted by them. I can't attribute the quote (perhaps you can), but I think the truth is evident. At least, to me... because I definitely feel that regret.

We have a new President-elect, a really lame duck (turkey?); and the economy is on the skids. What's not to feel the christmas spirit...? (and I'm at least technically Jewish)...

Happy Holidays.
May our next year be better.

When you cannot get it right...

Keep trying!
My friend is out of the hospital a week now, and the doctors at Kaiser are still mystified. All the pain symptoms match up with the first diagnosis; but the scans are now showing negative. They are still running lots of tests. But... it still hurts. And there is nothing I can do except be supportive. (and that doesn't make me feel very in control)... but I am impressed with Kaiser Permanente because when the stuff hits the fan; they're not just playing around.

Meanwhile...


I'm looking for work. In *this* economy. With *this* circus in town. (Thanks to www.peteyandpetunia.com and JibJab...)

Anybody need a programmer?