Honor and Guilt

From a discussion with a full-blooded Japanese American friend.

 Japanese have honor.

Jews have guilt.

I have at various times, made less-than-ideal decisions with regard to the animals in my stewardship, or been around the situation where I could have / should have helped and failed to do the right thing.  In retrospect.

 We lost my first cat  because when we took her during evacuation for a fire, I didn't keep her with me in a carrier in the room I was in... so she got out and got *lost*.  I was a kid at the time, but it still hurts.

When I went to UCSD to go to school, my father put down one of my doggies because he was *uncontrollable* and Dad was afraid of him.  I didn't even know and wasn't told until later.  (I very much doubt that the dog was uncontrollable.)The cat I left with my Mom when I was hopping from abode to abode, she left behind when she moved to San Diego, and I really didn't think it through; and he died (under the old house we lived in) sometime thereafter.

The cat I took with me to Fountain Valley, I had put too sleep because he had FeHIV, because I was afraid that he would infect the neighborhood cats and my then roommate would NOT under any circumstances bar him from leaving my room and going outside.  I didn't even hold him while they put him to sleep.

I made a promise to myself that I would never do anything like that again.  It drives my moral code.  It is who I am, and who I want to be. It hurts my heart when I consider those actions; and I try to do better / learn from them.

When my Mom (who otherwise I absolutely trust) makes statements that I should not do something with regards to the cats or the bunny... etc I realise that the gut reaction I have to that is based upon my prior history and failures.

I didn't even know Baby was sick until I couldn't find her, and she seized and died with me in attendance before the vet clinic opened.

I promised myself I would not-be-that-person Ever again. I spent a lot of money on Mr Taffy, Molly, and cats Baby/Pippi/Saido to make sure that they had a good life.  Not doing so was unthinkable; and I did have the funds.

Now, I'm trying to do it on a shoestring budget.  But, it isn't in me to be that pragmatic, they are my charges, my children, and I cannot do less.  I will at least try.

That's why I'm so defensive about it.

 John Stuart Mill, who delivered an 1867 inaugural address at the University of St. Andrews and stated: “Let not any one pacify his conscience by the delusion that he can do no harm if he takes no part, and forms no opinion. Bad men need nothing more to compass their ends, than that good men should look on and do nothing. He is not a good man who, without a protest, allows wrong to be committed in his name, and with the means which he helps to supply, because he will not trouble himself to use his mind on the subject.”

I am not perfect; as you well know.  But, I will do what I can to be better than the day before.