Why Johnny can't date...

I'm going to go out on a limb here.

First, I'm a guy (thought the penis gave it away)...

Second, I've been dating, married, divorced, at liberty and captive.... longer than most of you folk have been alive.  Not saying that your experience isn't valuable --- just that I've (mostly) had more of it, had to pick myself up off the floor and say "well, that happened", and move on.

It's by the way not limited to guys dating girls, but that's the area I'm familiar with; so bear with me.

Because of a recent change in the emotional intelligent quotient in the universe at large and America in particular, we have a shining example of imprudent, improper and unfeeling and unsympathetic behaviour used as a role model.  It is exactly like when kids idolize bad-boy (and girl) rappers or other celebrities without regard to the fallout that ensues from their choices.

I'm not going with "you are too stupid to get this", I'm going with the idea that no-one has apparently smacked you upside the head in a manner where you heard the bells, smelled the coffee and realized the error of your ways.  In fact, no-one seems to be giving you in particular feedback upon what exactly you are doing wrong.

I'm not perfect, in fact the string of ex's would significantly point to the opposite conclusion (yes I know who you are)...  but owning your mistakes is one of the first steps in correcting them.  You can't unspill milk, but next time you can at least cap the container before you knock it over.

So, what do you need to know?

1. The other person (female, in my worldview... but that's just me) needs to be respected and treated as a human, not a sex-toy, a maid or a servant.  Granting them the grace of helping you in some effort (whatever it may be) isn't the same thing as not acknowledging  their contribution, and it's not demeaning to say thanks or show appreciation.
That includes not yelling, hitting (seriously?) or otherwise abusing them and their trust.  I need to say this?  You have got to be joking... guess not.  If you cannot control your temper, physically and otherwise, do all of us a favor and get some therapy and make it work.  The world deserves better from you; you owe it... not the other way round.

2. Listen.  I cannot stress this enough; if you are just waiting for a pause in the flow of words so that you can react/defend/attack, then you are missing the point.  Actively listen (which means occasionally feed back what you heard in other words so she knows you are present), and make a mental list of the points that are important; do NOT just check off your rebuttals.

3. If you are insulted when you tell someone new that you are interested; and they are not... get over it.  Part of getting out there is the simple fact that you (no matter WHO you are) aren't going to be everybody's cuppa tea.  There are all kinds.  If you don't handle rejection well, then find ways to soft pedal it ... but avoid the cheesy workplace harassment lines -- that's just embarrassing.

4. Be gracious.  Just because you are out on a date and the server isn't meeting your expectations; treating them like crap isn't going to impress your date, and just might end any chances you have to become more than a bad memory.  It doesn't cost anymore to be polite, and often gets you better results.

5. (for the younger generation): I keep hearing kids (YES you are!) say "I want to GET WITH" that person, as a softer euphemism for fucking.  Be real, how about keeping it a little classier, and see what results. Yes, there are some who value honesty; but maybe telling how you want to stuff it in (where-ever) isn't the best message to be putting out there.

I could go on, but this really isn't a dating site.  But, yesterday I listened to some young <insert racial slur here> men talking about having sex... and was disheartened.  I'm hoping that they are in fact nobler than that, but I have my fears... and it wasn't pretty.  Not because of the ethnic aspect (I grew up in a different time), but because it showed such lack of respect for both the objects of the discussion and their own self-worth.  Perhaps it's just bragging; but still...

If you must disparage someone else because they are not that into you; perhaps you should find a mirror and take a good look.  It might not be them.

Try being a decent person; what the hell.  It might even help.

Just because you care about someone doesn't mean t they care back. Assuming otherwise just increases the heartache.
If I care about someone, whether they care back isn't the requirement. It is not conditional and assuming so doesn't
 make it so. But it still hurts a bit.

Every so often... I prove I'm a work in progress

Today I received a reminder that I can stray over the line.

I made someone uncomfortable, with "inappropriate behaviour".  Specifically, I invited them to lunch.

I'm not saying "I don't get it", I'm saying "I have to remember that the rules are more strict than I am used to" and deal with it.

Damm.

It's embarrassing....

Roommates come, Roommates Go...

Roommates come, roommates go.
What they are planning, nobody else knows.
Some stay for a while, and make it a home.
Others pass through, unaffected and alone.
Over the years, I've had quite a few.
Guys often though are less drama it's true.
Some others were pretty, vivacious, intelligent too.
A few were small minded, unhelpful, petty, and mean.
Not saying their truth, just doing their thing.
Some have remained, friends to this day.
Others pass on, never heard from you say?
It depends on the mix, to make it a home.
Not a rest-stop, not a motel;
not a place you're alone.
I have cats, they are constant.
And sometimes have friends.
It's better that way, when you don't
pretend.
In the end we are all trying
to just get along.
Some write music, some write song.
Some don't do nothing, but that isn't always wrong.
It has to suit, to be real, it has to belong.
One came, and charmed, and left within days.
Then back briefly, perhaps.... maybe to stay.
But wait, she's gone and now off she goes.
I admit to missing her and don't want it to show.
At least I didn't kill it, and maybe it'll grow.
Only time will tell me,
Only time will show.
Some times I have roommates, and sometimes I know
It's more than a feeling
More than they know.
Still searching, still hoping
not crossing that divide.
Because in the end,
ALL of this happens
inside.

poetry like flowers, is it's own excuse.

Not asked, rarely given
once seen, sometime smitten
alone we walk
eye contact barely
and yet wondering,
fairly

Could it be, would have been?
might have happened
if not then...

passed unasked
never opened
that which said, is NEVER spoken
attraction based not upon interaction
just passing by, our mind's attention

Alas, we never talked nor said
that which was inside our head
And yet, for a moment tho'
we shared something, felt it go

A moment's glance, a glimmer only
and on we marched,
unknowing.

Ghosts are the memories of past regrets. Alas, fair lass...

Last night / this morning (in the wee hours); I blew it.  When you combine scotch with an extremely intelligent, troubled, attractive person of the female persuasion, the lizard brain can rule.

I don't know (cannot imagine) what was going on during the process in her mind; but she was playing youtube videos of music that (I theorize) the lyrics were the medium of the message.

In other words, kiddies.... she was talking thru youtube videos.

And I didn't get the entire message, but allowed for more scotch, and somehow I let the lizard out.
Not much, and still...

She warned me, under certain circumstances she would be *gone*.  No goodby, no apologies, and no way to regroup.  Period.  And, I would NEVER ever hear from her again, or know about her doings.

She read a series of text messages from one desperate, angry individual.  First apologetic, then begging, then angry...  Something I knew happens when the door is open and the breeze blows in.

She has told me some things, and tried --- in her own way and style --- to let me in a little, I think.

But that's now gone.

Mea maxima culpa.  Not so much for what I did, as what I did not;  I didn't after all, provide the completely safe harbor that she needed and was asking for.  I tried... however it isn't a do-over.

<you don't need her name>, my apologies.  You'll never know.

But, I won't be that guy with the angry...

this is going to hurt a bit.  but the guilt...

again.