Relationships

 I have this very dear friend (ex-girlfriend) who wants to kill herself.  She states that the only thing keeping her here is that she has cockatiels to care for).  When they are gone, so goeth she.  She looks forward to death,. and tells me this during many of our conversations.  We haven't dated in at least 12 years, but she is exceptional as a person.  And yet, I cannot convince her to change that position.

When I propose marriage to her (mostly to lift her spirits) she laughs and says I don't make enough money.  She's s VERY Japanese that way... her parents survived the internment camps during WWII.  Besides the fact that I don't share all my asset info with her (because), and I cannot just show her a really large bankroll, I am not considered.  That in fact is probably better since we'd clash if we actually lived together.  Not saying she's opinionated or anything.

But, I am older and somewhat set in my ways.  After all, I have survived this long, haven't I?

She always says that she looks forward to not being here.  And I can do nothing.

Sometimes, I just cry

 As I sit here occasionally watching "Dune" 2021 (I think)

I find that I break out into spontaneous tears and am not sure why.

Is it because I lost my Mom last year (april) or because today some fool tried to end Donald of Trump (who is a unmitigated asshole and a egomaniac among other things).  (note to self, add more clinical insult words).  And this near miss might hand him enough points to win the election?  (Something I consider to be a major disaster).

Is it because the movie is so stirring?

Or is it because I am losing my mind.

Film at eleven.

The more of the antics I see, the more I want to have the ability to drop rocks on folk.

 In the fictional (but hard-SF) universe of The Expanse; disgruntled actors drop asteroids upon the Earth, and create massive destruction.

Right now, the Supreme Court and the Republican Party are accomplishing that as they continue to pursue and implement actions that contravene the Constitution and the Rule of Law.

It disappoints me on a level that I cannot even express.

It is too bad that I don't have any superpowers.

The justices Alito, Thomas, Neil Gorsuch, Brett Kavanaugh, and Amy Coney Barrett

I know I was going to write...

 Sometimes, just links work...

1. Music: https://www.facebook.com/ctfall/videos/781497293796053
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CcXT592hG2Q
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=utX8ziSY1CY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRea57wqDOE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ngkgm5oiFpM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4isqKI7q4mY

2. Environment: https://www.latimes.com/environment/story/2024-02-12/californias-war-on-plastic-bag-use-seems-to-have-backfired

3. occasional doggeral:

Bedtime comes on slippery feet. I just shower'd and feel the heat. My head is tired, Windows 10 abed... My friends are angry, debating politics instead. I feel the Burn, and Clinton mistrust. But still I believe in our institutions just. No matter your religion, creed or leaning, we are better together than apart demeaning. I don't like the anger, discord or insults. I find those childish, unproductive and (stupid) results. You may not vote my way, but expect you to do. What your conscience requires, not would I ask of you. That you become something you are not, but remember inside. You are American, a brand wear with PRIDE. Marine, nurse, engineer or just executive there, you carry a burden a trust you should care. I can't say that I have only the one truth; I believe in my ideology my truth is unfolding. At the end of the day, we live with our self. You look in a mirror and say "I did well". If you cannot do that, then reflect on this truth, you find fault with yourself, you are jury judge and you... only you will decide if forgiveness is required. I only ask civility, not discord or ire. I am not perfect, and certainly not you... because we are all in this together, whether you believe as I do. Again. I ask you to search your heart and...

Do the best

Do the right thing

Whatever that is... that you can.

I exist. So do you.

Remember that.

4. And sometimes, you just need the picture.

Praise of Kaiser.

 Wow.  Somebody dropped the ball.  Maybe me.

July 27, I went in for a heart-valve replacment / repair; and a bypass.

So, bear with me... I'm going to sing the praises of Kaiser Permanente and Staff.

Deal with it.

(Note - I already wrote this once, but it disappeared... for reasons only the internet gods and BlogSplot may knowe...)

6 am (ish) at Kaiser Sunset.  (That's Los Angeles, people).

Intake, change into the less-than-dignified hospital gown and get IV'd, sensor'd and the like...

7 am (ish) I go into the operatiing theatre, and I can't say anything about that... because I'm sedated and don't remember shit.

11 am or 12 pm (not sure), I'm in recovery; and find out that (a) they repaired my valve instead of replacing it... which means (yay!) I won't have issues down the line with replacements or having to be on blood thinners for life. That improves my long term outcomes significantly.

I spend the next week... well until August 2... in recovery, and I could sing the praises of the staff ad naseum for a while, but let's leave it with when I left... I not only wrote a evaluation and thank you note, but I pony'd up for a lunch/snack feast for the entire two shifts.  (Cold cuts, sandwiches and the like).

I hope they appreciated it, but it was the best I could do.  (It was also rather expensive, but nothing compared to the costs of the surgery and recover... paid for by  Medicare).  Did I mention that in the U.S.A. we have insurance and government coverage for some of that?   It's true, and it even works occasionally.

OK, it's now December (because I've been remiss?) and I wanted to reflect and say thanks.

I walk about 2.5 to 4 miles a day, as per my doctor ordered regimen, and I am very grateful.

I repeat... I am very fucking grateful.

Saturday night and I ain't got nobody

The line from the song seems to fit, every night at 7:30 p.m. I'd call my mom and we chat for 10-15 minutes sometimes a half hour.

I can still talk to her, the problem is I can't hear her responses. You think at  66 and a half, it would be easier. But realize one of the constants in my life from the time I could see was my mother.

I lost my dad a while ago when he turned 67.

And I thought that hurt.

Turns out this is a brand new hurt and it's very fresh.

Reality Bites. Mitral Valve Replacement.

Sometimes, Reality bites.

I am facing mitral valve replacement plus a bypass of the left anterior decending "WidowMaker" artery.

The senior surgeon who is apparently the one doing the procedure is leaving it up to me whether to do a cow (or pig) valve or a metal valve.

If it is a pig valve, then the expected duty cycle is 10 to 12 years before replacement is required again.

If it's a metal valve it doesn't fail often, however I would have to be on blood thinners for life, with all the resultant complications.

 An argument in favor of the pig valve is that I don't have to add medicines that complicate things, and 10 years from now who knows he might have better technology than we have today. The surgeon was fairly dismissive of the beta developments for putting an implant in without opening the chest; mostly because it's not completely approved and he thinks the technology will get better. Also he pointed out the risk factor is having to have emergency open heart surgery because the implantation fails in some fashion. Also he can't do all of the same trimming of the valve etc.

The disadvantage the blood thinners and a steel or whatever metal valve is among other things that I'm at risk for bleeding which would be uncontrollable if in fact I was in an accident. Kidney, liver or head trauma would result in an unacceptable outcome because they can't stop the blood thinners, and they can't control the bleeding. (As I understand it anyway).

 My good friend went through this with her late husband a couple years ago. Specifically the blood thinners but he also had incipient dementia and some other issues.

I have asked a couple friends, because of their professional expertise, because they usually can think their way out of a paper bag, my friend for her experience; and my sister and partner for obvious self-evident reasons. Among other things my sister was the primary caregiver for my mom and I trust her.

I myself am tempted to go with a pig valve and avoid the blood thinners but that immediately indicates that 10 years from now I will probably have to either have open heart surgery again with higher risk and complications, or they will do some other procedure entirely which may or may not be viable at that point.

My Dad made it to 67 as a smoker; had a heart attack and it took him 6 months to pass at in ICU.  I remember.  Mom made it to 103 and 1/4, and she lived a good life.

Thanks for listening