Funds are short, I’m having trouble meeting my obligations of the bills variety.
One of the things that makes this interesting, as I have four cats and a bunny to take care of.
I don’t have kids except for the furry variety, And they’re very important to my continued sanity.
I have a thing called mitral valve prolapse which means that one of my valves doesn’t function as it should and that can create problems with something called regurgitation. Regurgitation of course is backwash or backflow. One of the issues is that 90% of the surgeries are successful but 10% or not
In the ...
Alexa can you fucking spell correctly?
In the extremely rare and unlikely event, I don’t want my sister to be faced with cleaning out my entire hoarders condo
That means I have to clean it up before I go in. Not to mention the small but significant fact that it requires cracking my chest which means I’ll be a complete invalid for at least a month if not more. And that also means that My furry loves cannot park on my chest.
Saturday, December 21, 2019
Friday, November 22, 2019
I am crashing
Last night, my mother attempted to take her life with her prescription medications.
She is 99 years old, and because she fell a couple weeks ago, in pain.
I have been talking to her about my problems; and it feels as if I'm responsible.
The only way she could help, was to pass me my "inheritance". To die.
She survived two world wars, the Korean conflict and Vietnam. My father served in the army in World War II, as medical personnel in England and then France. He never really talked about it, but I know my Mom has letters.
She worked through the war in a hospital, and I don't have much detail.
I know that she's usually very strong, so between the pain and the desire to not outlive everyone she knows; but I don't have an answer, I only have talked to my sister about it. Not her. Not yet.
I don't know where to go with this, I just know that my world got bumped yesterday.
I talk to her everyday, in the evening before she retires.
I'm at a loss.
She is 99 years old, and because she fell a couple weeks ago, in pain.
I have been talking to her about my problems; and it feels as if I'm responsible.
The only way she could help, was to pass me my "inheritance". To die.
She survived two world wars, the Korean conflict and Vietnam. My father served in the army in World War II, as medical personnel in England and then France. He never really talked about it, but I know my Mom has letters.
She worked through the war in a hospital, and I don't have much detail.
I know that she's usually very strong, so between the pain and the desire to not outlive everyone she knows; but I don't have an answer, I only have talked to my sister about it. Not her. Not yet.
I don't know where to go with this, I just know that my world got bumped yesterday.
I talk to her everyday, in the evening before she retires.
I'm at a loss.
Thursday, October 24, 2019
Why it's hard to forgive when you get older
So, other than the friend who is passing...
I'm dealing with several friends with significant issues.
One is going through a divorce, and that's messy.
Another was just involved in yet another accident; which was not her fault... except that the law of averages says she's got to be involved; these accidents don't just happen by themselves. The law of averages says so... and I have to be supportive because she's a very good friend and loyal as hell.
But, that doesn't make it easier when she tells me that she is going to end it all, because nothing is going well.
But the kicker, is a friend/neighbor who grew up in an abusive household and has shitty tools for communication; and rather than address the real problem that she is upset about, will attack about something related but not relevant to the current outburst. And, oh... does she rant. (Yes, I know it's not a complete sentence.... get over it).
So earlier today, at the request of her roommate... I showed up to help said roommate with her new phone. The gist of the complaint is that I didn't call and ask first, and that is intrusive.
I agree. It is intrusive and I should be more mindful and not do that. So, I will modify that.
However, the amount of unrelated diatribe heaped upon my head by this person while not addressing that issue (because that was almost not mentioned at all) was upsetting.
I got angry. Because I am trying to be a better person, and I have learned that responding in kind does not work, I just said I'm leaving.
But, I didn't help her roommate with her phone, and I'm going to just let the situation cool off; otherwise I will say something I will regret that is hurtful whether it is true or not.
But, because I'm still angry and hurt.... I have to reign my mouth in, or I will say what I think.
I already know that is a bad idea.
I'm dealing with several friends with significant issues.
One is going through a divorce, and that's messy.
Another was just involved in yet another accident; which was not her fault... except that the law of averages says she's got to be involved; these accidents don't just happen by themselves. The law of averages says so... and I have to be supportive because she's a very good friend and loyal as hell.
But, that doesn't make it easier when she tells me that she is going to end it all, because nothing is going well.
But the kicker, is a friend/neighbor who grew up in an abusive household and has shitty tools for communication; and rather than address the real problem that she is upset about, will attack about something related but not relevant to the current outburst. And, oh... does she rant. (Yes, I know it's not a complete sentence.... get over it).
So earlier today, at the request of her roommate... I showed up to help said roommate with her new phone. The gist of the complaint is that I didn't call and ask first, and that is intrusive.
I agree. It is intrusive and I should be more mindful and not do that. So, I will modify that.
However, the amount of unrelated diatribe heaped upon my head by this person while not addressing that issue (because that was almost not mentioned at all) was upsetting.
I got angry. Because I am trying to be a better person, and I have learned that responding in kind does not work, I just said I'm leaving.
But, I didn't help her roommate with her phone, and I'm going to just let the situation cool off; otherwise I will say something I will regret that is hurtful whether it is true or not.
But, because I'm still angry and hurt.... I have to reign my mouth in, or I will say what I think.
I already know that is a bad idea.
Local trauma sadness
So, I don't write as much as I did before... I'm not sure if that is because I'm depressed or because I don't have anything positive to say. (Looking back, there has been a LOT of whining).
But one of my friends is in hospice. He was my lab instructor at Pierce, a friend for many years and even a roommate for a while... and he married another friend whom I introduced, and would not (still!) take any credit for getting them together. Other than the fact that I goofed on dinner plans with each and merged them rather than welsh on either...
But I have already said goodby; and his wife keeps insisting that it's ok for me to go back and visit without her; and she's not realizing that it's incredibly difficult to see him in that state; knowing that he is just waiting to die.
I've never been entirely comfortable around his wife... not because she's not a good person or anything like that; I just find her difficult to take in large doses. I have a group of friends like that; and I don't want to upset them by telling them that my ears are full, or that I cannot continue a conversation because my tolerance limit has been exceeded. That is MY problem, not theirs.
But it does make it more difficult.
Hence, the silence.
But one of my friends is in hospice. He was my lab instructor at Pierce, a friend for many years and even a roommate for a while... and he married another friend whom I introduced, and would not (still!) take any credit for getting them together. Other than the fact that I goofed on dinner plans with each and merged them rather than welsh on either...
But I have already said goodby; and his wife keeps insisting that it's ok for me to go back and visit without her; and she's not realizing that it's incredibly difficult to see him in that state; knowing that he is just waiting to die.
I've never been entirely comfortable around his wife... not because she's not a good person or anything like that; I just find her difficult to take in large doses. I have a group of friends like that; and I don't want to upset them by telling them that my ears are full, or that I cannot continue a conversation because my tolerance limit has been exceeded. That is MY problem, not theirs.
But it does make it more difficult.
Hence, the silence.
Tuesday, July 30, 2019
I get to be a cyber-geek...
Yesterday, I got a random text from a unknown number...
Since I have a little knowledge (not a lot...but...)
I know better than to go to a link like http:// <insert some website here> / <some code number>
In this case, the website immediately refers you to another website, and that page has LOTS of suspect weird code/character formatting... methinks it's a trojan. (They're happening)...
Yay. I win. Avoided it again.
Since I have a little knowledge (not a lot...but...)
I know better than to go to a link like http:// <insert some website here> / <some code number>
In this case, the website immediately refers you to another website, and that page has LOTS of suspect weird code/character formatting... methinks it's a trojan. (They're happening)...
Yay. I win. Avoided it again.
Sunday, June 23, 2019
May 8, 2019 - Update
Yesterday, I went to the west SFV animal shelter.
I just had a *feeling*. Since he never returned... his GF^H^HBFF has been eating outside, so I know he's still there.
***Apparently he was picked up a couple days after the cat-fight, and got cleaned up, neutered and put up for adoption. Since he was "aggressive", "hissing and spitting" and in general hostile; he didn't stand much of a chance. Sounds like my guy.
It's him. Chipped/neutered and vaccinated c/o SPCA and the shelter.
I got him back. (must be something in my eye)....
I (he) got lucky. His girlfriend is hanging around outdoors; but she's having NO part of being inside.
maybe...
And later...
I got her back also.
I took the gang to the vet.
Surprise.... She's a HE!
So I have a gender neutral cat? (turns out that dominance plays more of a role than sex in this situation)...
I just had a *feeling*. Since he never returned... his GF^H^HBFF has been eating outside, so I know he's still there.
***Apparently he was picked up a couple days after the cat-fight, and got cleaned up, neutered and put up for adoption. Since he was "aggressive", "hissing and spitting" and in general hostile; he didn't stand much of a chance. Sounds like my guy.
It's him. Chipped/neutered and vaccinated c/o SPCA and the shelter.
I got him back. (must be something in my eye)....
I (he) got lucky. His girlfriend is hanging around outdoors; but she's having NO part of being inside.
maybe...
And later...
I got her back also.
I took the gang to the vet.
Surprise.... She's a HE!
So I have a gender neutral cat? (turns out that dominance plays more of a role than sex in this situation)...
Sunday, May 5, 2019
Stress is seeing stupid *everywhere* (West SFV)
So, two days ago (plus) my guest let my tomcat out of the condo. No surprise, he's stealthy and she's not situationally aware. However, I can't seem to let go of the idea that "it's her fault"... even though it really isn't.
I tried to coax him back later... about 2-3 am when he was having a discussion with another Tom about territory right in front of my door. I grabbed him, and he took exception (no surprise, I didn't have a good purchase).
His GF climbed the wall in the atrium later that night, and I'm now down two cats.
But, they're doing construction work during the day, and I haven't seen him or her since.
Fuck.
Sunday, April 21, 2019
Just a little more negativity... and accusations Originally POSTED 9/24/08
I'm on the phone with my extremely-significant friend of the female variety, when someone "Helen XXXX" rings thru (name obfuscated at least until I figure out what this is about). It's about 11 at night.
A voice I don't know (female) says "You still rape women, asshole?"... and hangs up.
What the ???
I pause conversation with gf, and try to figure out who's gotten lost. Or what.
Technology is a wonderful thing... but I don't know this person, or at least... don't remember ever meeting them.
So, I bite. *69 Call back and ask... "what is this about"... to voicemail.
She... calls back.
"You know... you raped someone, you belong in jail. You piece of sh*t, you are human garbage, and you are a creep. And if I have ever anything to say about it, you ... you will be in jail. You belong in jail, and you are a creep. "
(she hangs up).
I have no idea who this is. I don't recognize the voice, and unless the first name is "similar" to someone I knew... (hope not!), I don't have a clue. And, as far as I can figure... I've never raped anyone in my life. Not really high on my list of things to do.
* * *
A number of years back, I got forwarded hate mail from places I used to work at, where the letter writer (anonymous) put forth similar claims. Human Resources, in a fit of "careful attention to detail" made sure that I got the copies. I never worked there again...
I wonder if it's the same person...
Wonderful.
Except, SHE... is mad. And, that's not a good thing. And now... I can't sleep.
A voice I don't know (female) says "You still rape women, asshole?"... and hangs up.
What the ???
I pause conversation with gf, and try to figure out who's gotten lost. Or what.
Technology is a wonderful thing... but I don't know this person, or at least... don't remember ever meeting them.
So, I bite. *69 Call back and ask... "what is this about"... to voicemail.
She... calls back.
"You know... you raped someone, you belong in jail. You piece of sh*t, you are human garbage, and you are a creep. And if I have ever anything to say about it, you ... you will be in jail. You belong in jail, and you are a creep. "
(she hangs up).
I have no idea who this is. I don't recognize the voice, and unless the first name is "similar" to someone I knew... (hope not!), I don't have a clue. And, as far as I can figure... I've never raped anyone in my life. Not really high on my list of things to do.
* * *
A number of years back, I got forwarded hate mail from places I used to work at, where the letter writer (anonymous) put forth similar claims. Human Resources, in a fit of "careful attention to detail" made sure that I got the copies. I never worked there again...
I wonder if it's the same person...
Wonderful.
Except, SHE... is mad. And, that's not a good thing. And now... I can't sleep.
Google -- whups!?
So, about a year ago... a whole bunch of my earlier posts disappeared. Well, actually they became "unpublished", "Draft"... Clue: All of them are the oldest posts...
Some bug in the google/blogger database, but it screwed me up because:
1. I cannot republish without the date changing, which messes up the continuity of the posting journal. (after all, you want to read my thoughts in order, right?)
2. The account tied to the unpublished posts is the account administrator, and apparently I had forgotten that; and it was all kinds of fun to recover that ownership. (I didn't remember that I setup the account that way). Now that I think I have...
3. I still can't find a way to bulk fix the posts; and as stated(1) can't keep the correct date.
Nope -- just tested it and it pushed to the current date.
Grrr.
Some bug in the google/blogger database, but it screwed me up because:
1. I cannot republish without the date changing, which messes up the continuity of the posting journal. (after all, you want to read my thoughts in order, right?)
2. The account tied to the unpublished posts is the account administrator, and apparently I had forgotten that; and it was all kinds of fun to recover that ownership. (I didn't remember that I setup the account that way). Now that I think I have...
3. I still can't find a way to bulk fix the posts; and as stated(1) can't keep the correct date.
Nope -- just tested it and it pushed to the current date.
Grrr.
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